At our 50th year HS reunion, one guy lamented that he wasn't half the man he used to be.
When he saw me, he said... unlike you who is now twice the man you used to be.
I asked him if was commenting on my weight. He replied, "If you have to ask me that, you're obviously also fat headed."
He said I would have done very well at a competition he attended.
Oh, tell me more.
He said it was his college reunion-- which he had dubbed
A competition to see who had amassed the biggest beer belly.
He said you had more hair then.
Duh. We all did. (A guy with big hair weaving walked by, kinda reminded me of a cross between a peacock and a toy poodle on its way to a dog show. )
Humor is my defense against crude remarks. So I told him: Yes my barber charges me more these days because he first has to spend time looking for the hair.
"Ahha!! The barber shrieks with joy at last: I found the hair spot.
Not wanting to enjoy his company any longer, I went over to a bunch of guys who were talking about their fathers' reunions:
At 40, they decided to go to The Mountain View Lodge because the waitresses are pretty.
At 50, they decided to go to The Mountain View Lodge because the food is good accompanied by an excellent wine selection.
At 60, they decided to go to The Mountain View Lodge because the it does in fact have a great view of the mountains.
At 70, they decided to go to The Mountain View Lodge because it is wheelchair accessible.
At 80, they decided to go to The Mountain View Lodge because none of them had ever been there before.
One of my HS buddies, a prolific writer of stories, films, you name it, said he and his wife recently attended her HS reunion.
My wife and I were seated at a table with our name cards.
Across the table was a guy slumped over, drunk but still managing to gulp a whiskey every few minutes. I asked Doris is she knew him. Oh yes, he was my prom date in senior year. When I dumped him he started drinking. I thought about this for a second, then wondered aloud, Gee, I didn't know you could celebrate for so long.
A woman I did not recognize asked what I did. I told her that I am a writer. She asked of what. I said words & music. She inquired whether I had sold anything yet. I said, of course-I explained, to me being a writer meant having to sell lots of stuff: my car, my house....
Too negative a vibe. I excused myself to get more coffee. A long lost pal after exchanging beer hugs (that's a bear hug after having had one too many beers, especially dangerous if you're hugging your friend's hot girlfriend) so the guy and I exchange hugs. He was reminiscing about reunions in general:
He told me at a recent family reunion, everyone had gotten food poisoning. When he saw my surprised facial expression... he said, "Yeah, runs in the family."
A woman recognized me. In catching up, she told me she had worked for the CDC where she was in charge of evaluating new drugs.
As we got onto tangents about our grandchildren, she mentioned her youngest, who was in love with her many-colored collection of stuffed dinosaurs.
Curious, I asked what kind, Brachiosaurs, Stegosaurs, tyrannosaurs, pleiosaurs...
She said, "I don't know, just various kinds of 'saurs.'
I said that's quite a happy coincidence.
Puzzled, she asked what I meant.
"Well with all these different types of 'saurs' and you working at the CDC the odds are you will be among the first to know if there's an antibiotic.
Two guys I vaguely recognize approach. One says, I remember you as being very serious.
I said I had pole up my ass.
The other guy corrected, "No.. no you were so stiff. It was more like two poles, a Serbian, a Croatian, two Ukrainians and a chick from Moldavia.
Moving away, I saw four guys nearby. I didn't recognize any of them. So I figured if I listened /eavesdrop sooner or later they will say each other's names.
One guy excuses himself to take a cellphone call.
The other three brag about how rich and successful they have been. More than they're trying to outdo each other with their own accomplishments...
"My son is so rich and successful that he just bought a Lamborghini for a friend."
"Achh... that's nothing My son is so rich and successful that he just bought for a friend a mansion in Beverly Hills, with 5 acres of landscaped gardens."
Third guy says... that's chicken feed. My son is so rich and successful that he just gave his friend $500 million in crypto."
The fourth guy returns.
So what did I miss?
We were comparing our riches, our sons' riches and successes. What do you do.
He says I'm a plumber. The client who just called wanted to thank me for sending my assistant whom she kept praising for stopping her leak.
The first guy says what's your son doing?
He's a dancer at Chippendales.
One of the guys laughs... snickers... 'pathetic.'
The other says, "Gee, I'm so sorry. He must really have been down on his luck to take a job like that."
The plumber replies: No, not at all, he loves dancing, working out and financially he's doing great.
The trio exchange bewildered looks. The first guy says "Really?"
The plumber says, yeah his three biggest clients just gave him a
Lamborghini, a Beverly Hills mansion and $5 million in bitcoins.
As I was about to look for another conversation ripe for eavesdropping, when I heard one of the quartet say... Ha... you exaggerated it wasn't $500
Million in bitcoin, it was only $5 million!
Two beautiful women walked in. Obviously a little buzzed already.
One says to the other, loud enough for us to hear. "Honey, I am at an obscene age."
Her partner, 30 years junior, compliments her on her beauty, her youthfulness, her theatrical successes.... I don't need comforting, sweetie... she gives her partner a kiss on the cheek.
What did you mean then by saying that you are at an obscene age?
The famous actress replies - well since next year, I turn 70, I am currently at an obscene age.
They pass a group of women who could have been as successful but instead decided it was easier to be a gold digger.
I figure this ought to be good. So I nurse my champagne on ice diluted with Perrier -- I do this to slow me down. Pretending to be fascinated by the effervescence in my glass, I listen in:
Madge: My husband loves me so much he buys me a fur coat from whichever part of the world his business takes him.
Julianna says, "Fantastic."
Arianna says, My husband loves me so much he buys me diamond jewelry from whichever exotic part of the world his business takes him.
Julianna says, "Fantastic."
Myrtle says, My husband loves me so much he buys me a Fortune 500 company from whichever part of the world his business takes him.
Julianna says, "Fantastic."
Myrtle turns to Juliana. So what did your husband give you?
Julianna replies: My husband sent me to finishing school.
Arianna is flabbergasted: what's so great about finishing school?
Julianna replies: they taught me something of value.
Myrtle, incredulous that any knowledge could be as valuable as the furs, jewels, companies asks what could they have taught you?
Julianna replies: they taught me to say "fantastic."
Myrtle, Arianna & Madge turning their noses up in perfectly choreographed unison ask:
What did you used to say before you started saying "fantastic?"
Julianna replies: in the past when people bragged the way you do, instead of fantastic, I would always say. "Bullshit.
