I'm glad I got to know Ellen

2/16/15

Lessons from my mother in law

If you look closely enough, there are no ordinary people.

Ellen Rubin, né Green, was a good mother in law. She never intruded and was always positive. I liked Ellen - I could have appreciated her more. She shared little and my questions prompted superficial responses. My view of Ellen was colored by tensions she had with my wife and brother in law.

As she lay dying, the extraordinary aspects of her life came to the fore. What was essentially Ellen was her desire to live and have a family.

Ellen was born with a physically weak heart - one that had trouble giving her the energy to have a normally active childhood. Her heart barely kept her alive.

In her early 20's Ellen's doctors told her she had perhaps a year to live. Then she got a call about open-heart surgery which had been performed experimentally on monkeys. It had just been used to good effect on children. Would she be willing to be a test case?

Ellen survived, first and most important. She then became- among other things- a footnote in medical texts. Ellen was told to live quietly, take it easy. Above all "Do not attempt to become pregnant."

Above all, Ellen wanted a family. It was her dream, her vision, the meaning of her life. A year later, Beth, my wife was born. Two years hence, Mathew, four years later Evan.

Then Ellen joined a bowling league... then got a job as an office manager in a medical office.

Ellen knew what she wanted. She made it happen.

Severe depression, almost suicidal, led Ellen to - unwittingly- a parentified Beth.

Years later, Evan's death from AIDS exacerbated Ellen's depression.

Over the years, she managed to climb out of her grief.

I'm glad I got to know Ellen and remember her lesson:

Know what you want. Make it happen.