Long Jokes
Chip off the old Monk
What!? You call that a scherzo?
Has all the joy and humor of a funeral procession…
Ok. Here’s an old joke with a musical twist.
Mahler is having a drink 🍷 with Debussy. Gustave has a large stein of beer. Claude has Beaujolais nouveau 1975. Debussy was a forward-thinking man- music of the future and all that. Oh that was Wagner?
You don’t say. Speaking of Germany didn’t they have something to do with the First World War? Ah, the war to end all wars. Mahler had been dead for seven years when the war ended. Debussy died about half a year before Armistice Day 11/11/18. Of course the peace treaty so weakened and humiliated Germany 🇩🇪 that it was ripe for a fear-mongering sociopath to lead them. But back to our story. The ghosts of Mahler and Debussy stop 🛑 by Shostakovich’s studio in late 1936 to hear him work on his Fifth Symphony. They decide to visit him in August 1975. They bring a few bottles of that Beaujolais nouveau of which Debussy is so fond and which Mahler has grown to enjoy.
Unfortunately they arrive just in time for Dmitry to take his last breath. Well, maybe not so unfortunately- as the two earlier composers show Dimtry the way around. Los Tres Jovencitos - Shostakovich suggested they name their trio in Spanish after an early love of his. Sounds good to me says Claude, taking another swig from the bottle. They visit Lutoslawski and lament-to themselves as they don’t want to hurt Witold’s feelings that his more recent music lacks the warmth and playfulness of his 1957 Concerto for Orchestra. Claude says there is no feeling in Witold’s Cello Concerto. Dmitry corrects him, “Lots of feeling- all different shades of pain and anger.”
They pal around, as friendly ghosts are wont to do. Among other friendly ghosts, they run into Casper... Casper Weinberger who tries to explain- in early 2007 - one ghost to another few ghosts- why the housing market is so robust and why Republicans are so helpful to American’s wanting the American dream of owning a home and flipping it to make an obscene profit virtually over night. Los Tres Jovencitos just don’t get it. It seems like something that’s going to vanish into thin air- and they should know. Casper, throws up his hands and says“Ugh... musicians... they just can’t ever understand economics.” The Jovencitos go on their merry way until about 2016 when Dimtry hears about how the Russian leader plans to make his country great again by using America’s people and institutions against itself- kind of like borrowing the playbook of the 911 terrorists.
They find a big, presidential-looking guy who speaks and acts like an ordinary American, someone the average American Joe can relate to. They chose someone with a vanity,vulgarity and ability to bully his party 🎈 its leaders and a base of gun-loving, anti-choice, religious zealots who seem desperately frightened that they may be replaced by minorities with skin a shade or two darker than theirs. Debussy tells this old joke:
A French doctor cured a heart attack patient. In just six months, the patient was able to return to his job.
A German doctor cured a similar patient who returned to his job in a month!
The Russians found a man with no heart, made him president of the United States and now everyone’s looking for a job.
