Mood Piece

Movement I

Depression

Dull.

Boring. Bored.

Defeated. Head spinning. Speedy, stuck, worthless scum.

Internalized hatred of my ancestors’ persecutors, inviting

everyone to victimize me.

Prisoner in a prison of my own perpetuation.

Of course I am depressed: spending so much energy fighting myself that every step in every direction feels pointless. Bursts of overachieving go nowhere. Self-hatred fueled with envy, resentment, more hatred - of confident, charismatic, extroverted stars- anger at those people, hating myself the more for wanting their success and approval. To be confident: on some early deep, primal level offends my long-dead father, challenging, threatening him so his love unpredictability alternated with verbal annihilation, tiny, minor little traumas. Who the hell am I to complain with the privileged, entitled life I have? “Entitled” that word makes me crazy. I hide.  My internal, merciless critic often masked by grandiosity blinding me to the joys of simply being alive as a member of the human race exhaust me and everyone around me sick of my self-absorption. Be confident! Is that a joke? Be humble! Now that is something I can pummel myself into. That’s not true humility. My head spins-a thousand directions compulsively putting myself down, compulsively showing off. Head bangs, ping ponging on cognitively distorted walls. Can I stop tormenting myself with guilt and shame? I feel like a machine. That’s the fifth time today I’ve had that intrusive thought. Stop fearing the next day; see and respond to the moment? Can I help someone in need? Is compassion a possibility? 

Movement II

Anger

All the instruments have the theme.

They are so busy shouting at each other they can’t hear that they are saying the same thing.

Movement III

A Little Lightness

Spacious

Spaciousness

Love, kindness, playfulness, curiosity, calm.

Joyous invitation to life

an ever-welcome beginning.