Thursday, December 12, 2019

****

The blowout job report 

Came out by coincidence not as an outright retort 

But sort of the exact same time impeachment was pending 

Upending much anti-dumpf sentiment from sanctimonious Santorum factotum 

Totally transforming facts into attacks and 

Blacklisting 

But numbers could be true

Especially when you construe the millions who’ve given up searching for work 

Given up hope as the dope who’s hit the blackmail dirt isn’t hurt my his crimes 

He’ll be emboldened 

To mold our national to his narcissistic needs 

While he bleeds us he feeds us to the Russian bear without whom he’d barely be anywhere 

Maybe in a Deutsches Bank money laundering machine

If he came clean. 

No such hope as the republicans have rigged the system. 

Hard to believe anything that his groveling governmental gifting gofers get going golfing libeling liberals, going after good gentiles, modern Muslims, Buddhists, atheists, and Jews. 

He or his cronies ever say anything true?

By accident a few careless words flew 

from Mick about the quid quo pro he said “We do it all the time.” 

You know what he did next?

He made a pretext that that wasn’t what he meant. 

A hat trick seen by the blind followers who forgive gaffes of dumpfian dirt-slingers. 

The president’s guilt is recorded for posterity in his own words. 

Couldn’t be more absurd to not convict 

Unless you’re on the payroll

Unless you’re on the take 

Making out like the treasonous bandits they are working for foreign powers indirectly or not we’ve got a bad case of inside job infection with just a hint of the Russian inflection. 

I need to resume leading with my strengths. I fantasize about being a poet helpful in the cause of freedom, democracy, making humor of hypocrisy Helpful to all As the fool told the truth not alternative Alternatively, all astonishingly alliterative. ***March forward March ahead In April, May and June. Join the human race. I’ll do it soon...It’ll be a blessing, a boon. Right after cleaning up from the next monsoon. ***Year after year following in footsteps of fear. Now up to speed, getting in gearNo need look in the view mirror rear. ****Learn to tolerate happiness, joy and gladness. To do otherwise In the guise of the unwiseUnwinding gladness. From sadness recovered Gladness discovered Gladness pure Pure joyous, loving gladness Yes to be beholden otherwise Flies in the face of reason All seasons can be seasons of gladness Greater than piecing, pie-in-the-sky pontifically perturbed, perpetual madness. ***Bad decisionsNot enough bolus for the Cantinero feast. At the very least I needed four units more. Then to even the score I over-correctedAs suspected I would. This is all a not-so-subtle not-so-good. Should be clear now how to take charge Enlarge the scope of bring consistently mindful  at home and at large. What was not so subtle deserves a measured rebuttal In this game of self-scuttle. ****Check my BG again. Then with data points several I’ll have a better idea of the very level Being level-headedI’m in that direction headed. ****So why don’t I go to sleep?The answer may not be deep. Could be as simple as needing more to eat. Or is it the caffeine?Is it the green light of inspiration energizing me like I’m nineteen?****It’s too soon to have forgotten the moonwalking adventures of fig and prune. We’re talking about After they returned from the lunar dunes to a heroes’ welcome They’ve come to the conclusion that service Is what they owe. We all know this but often forget Yet let us not regret missing the many fine opportunities to stretch the truth or to come clean, start over, start with fresh pen and ink undo the monstrous stink. Sink not so low that we go below decent democracy. Lighten the load of hypocrisy.  it’s the bliss of helping another with less Fortune Five HundredHunkered down for the last slaughter of our sins and daughters, mothers, wives, cousins all the demise of our sons comes next fall If we can’t show the people we’ve been fooled by a Russian asset. A poisonous, treasonous, sadistic, kleptomaniac tool. So enough of that rant about the racist who can’t stop stealing appealing to the worst base instincts of his insidious gun loving, god-giving lip service to religion full of hate the opposite of Christian teaching base. Can you believe there are minorities and a few Jesus loving Jews who buy into this?Wit To whit it is writ. It is not of necessity white. Better to try to live gently, compassionately and right. Which includes using reason and facts Not incandescent, unrestrained greed driving baseless conspiracy attacks. These baseless conspiracy memes raise the pitch of anger, of hate. It’s divide and conquer so our country can now longer prosper making us an easy mark, prey made weak by a blowhard bulky bulky whose business is to destroy the freedoms we enjoy. Yes we all know he’s Russia’s stupid toy. Sad. Sadistic. A great manipular of the masses Making us all into the world’s laughingstock hyenas and jackasses. Move two centimeters from that nastinessBless my soul!Have a blessed day. Cultivate the true spirit of all religions:Whether a soul brother or Native son Or any troubled cat or soul young or oldMild mellifluous, melody-sweet moonshine poetry in motion on a subway car in moderation modulates the mordant midnight nightmare mollifying inner light of the moon so bright it inspires fig and prune to go bed happy and very soon. ****Wednesday, December 11, 2019So if the Republican-controlled senate Is a menace The potus a clear and present danger And the Head law disparagement officer at the DOJ Barr none has grim fun debasing atheists liberals getting his way misrepresenting facts with constant outrage... are attacks on Blacks next?And this from a person who should be barred from our own government Of course as Nikki Haley points outConfederates are How shall I say this delicately?Um very fine people and their flag is a symbol of service So let’s give lip service to the great and noble service where our DOJ sets the bar so low You’d have to crawl in an undertow to go below. You’d think we’re already near the bottom Maybe the base is not all bad It just let’s out of the hidden places those who had hate for breakfast Hate for dinner. Hate for lynch time Out from under a rock and other hidden places. Going through their paces. We should forgive, even honoring those Honorary Confederates After allAll they want in all places Is kill different races. Barring the bar-to-dumb Of our own sullied battered bride’s soul Our land, our soil, our formerly noble goals debased by dumpf for the pleasure of his baseWhat place is it of his to do this bilious thing?Is he a ring-monster on dumpf’s Russian master’s master plan?Ah, alabaster, translucent white shining on an Alabama night as they update Jim Crow, tow a burning cross, killing Jews, Blacks, Mexicans. Are Asians next?Oh I forgot, house of mirrors reflexive dumpf’s fragile ego claims he got a very apologetic apology from a principal prince Saudi Arabian over the shooting of Americans at the base where he trained his gun on our armed forces at close rangeIsn’t it strange how this person from our great Arabian Ally which just happens to have been where the 9/11 murders were from and fund madrasas of terrorist teachings Claims of innocence and bonheur Straight from a Bon Jovi tourCome, come... it’s a coincidence that they fund terror with oil money and guns and butter bought from American who stutter constant vitriolic vitriol who all seem stunned. But couldn’t care less about our president’s complicity in the torture and murder of a journalist. Why?Certainly he’s not gun shy. Wry remarks causing Second amendment sparks folks train their guns on people of color and colorful ideas foreign to theirs. Putin’s pleasure is our pain. Dumpf is happy to assist it’s plain to seeHe’s not ditching America for free. We know money, power, endless adulation, adultery Pain and suffering of others is of no concern as long as they get human target practice once a day. In the play of white is right, could the barman be a white supremacist himself? Barmen aren’t supposed to get drunk on possession of power. But in the dumpf it’s now how we’re operating Stating the obvious that it’s a bad climate and not just in the air and water. Though they deny climate change for profit’s sake. Make no mistake:Humans, American and otherwise are responsibleThis is our home too. We’re just as true blue as the reddest red-neck crew in crew cuts. ButTo be fair, dumpf has lots of love. Dumpf loves chaos. Dumpf loves constant affirmation from our nation of fools. Too stupid to see we’re being rolled, roiled, slowly boiled, ruined, robbed blind by a treasonous Putin petting zoo doll who just happens to lust after gangster dictators and gun-mill, gin-mill, run of the mill, blonde young babes, especially those who are packing while he takes em’ and rapes em’ and rapes our nation’s station with his gun-molls enthralled. Enthralled... rousing the rabid rabble enthralled in group-think. Enthralled by the constant stink Of brainwashing hijinks galling of Fox creating the post-truth world, galling indeedHis need, his endless mercenary kleptomaniac greed.Needing his base’s applaudingPutin is tootin His near total take over of the western world with one little rigged election. A bloodless coup So far this is new. He’s the most enthralled of all While rest of the world is deeply, catastrophically, temporary in shock, running into China’s open armsAn arms race Based on fascist, racist hate Yes the rest of the world hardly enthralledIt is despairing and appalled. ****Nikki Haley heatedly hauls in conservative deep seeded credits cresting her courtship of the base from the dumpf over her confederate flag. It’s a sign of “service, sacrifice and heritage for some people.”It’s also a sign of something sinister Reminiscent of lynchings, ok KKK, Nick-K-K-kay that’s how you play then furiously attack the press less you confess to what you said stirring the pot of racial hate quite a lot. Yes you reference “some people” for whom the Confederates were heroes. Would those be the very same “Very fine people on both sides.” When they killed and chanted neo-nazi, white supremacist mantras?What do the dumpf’s very fine second amendment people want for X-Mas?More very fine guns to threaten rape and incest victims from having a pro-choice voice.****Mantra for Rick Santorum:“A sick janitor rummy on rum. in the habit of turning truth into dead rebuts in a sick sanitarium, in a whitewashed slum, a bunch of third-rate mental bums stumbled on white trash after smoking hash at a fraternity bash then went ape-shit every bit as much as their beloved, racist nit-wit bleeder of the formerly free world.”Reported Fox and Friends in their Fair and balanced vitriolic reporting confirming  and conforming to state-sponsored profane propaganda not fit for a deaf, blind and dumb panda. I apologize. That’s not fair and balanced to the panda who grander then the grand old party which has become blind, deaf and dumb in the pursuit of pure Aryan arsenic and worse they rehearse killing Spilling blood on the name of dumpfAll Heil the chief thief. ****I’m in my Mexican opium den. Neither with pen nor a true denizen of dilapidated dangerous dens dreaming themes Punjabi, Proust-ian, Faustian, perhaps post-Freudian waking dreams. No fiasco bottled-necked in Mexico’s Tabasco, Tamaulipas, Tlaxcala, Tikal truly not even Tenochtitlán this penned sans pen pre-posthumous pointed plaint I paint in colors boldly far from faint. A cultured, co-dependent cultist, cuttle-fish cute to boot Reboots anew in New York. Reborn by special delivery not stork. Bork was rejected after Reagan was elected. At least neither defected to Mighty Mother Russia. Just here, not far from homeNot online, not supine and not only sans pen but sans fear and sans defensive gear Exploring my Wednesday vacation from sobriety safe from encountering notorietyFree to plumb depths of purple placards MexicanI can pen pen waking dream-like themesPost-Freudian it seems. ****I’m looking forward to getting back to composing. I’m in no hurry neither to be working nor napping narcoleptic Doing a dozing dream because I’m enjoying the Mexican rice and beans not slices nor currying favor with flavors overtly exotic. Quixotically yet with a method to my sometimes maddening Methodist preacher becomes a tethered tiger triggering gestures and gestures half hidden arising unbidden by Joe Biden or Liz Warren, Liz Chaney. Where oh where is Mitt?Mitt is MIA With Lisa Murkowski of Alaska. To use the tired  but apt old phrase:I’ll ask her. Lamar of Tennessee, of Alexander not Alexandria said of the Pres, “His declaration to take an additional $3.6 billion that Congress has appropriated for military hospitals, barracks and schools is inconsistent with the U.S. Constitution that I swore an oath to support and defend,”Helps but doesn’t undo or upend dumpf’s dangerous real and present danger. To be blunt, Roy of Missouri implies it would make us miserable as dangerous, dumpfian, unconstitutional unpresidential precedents even or especially if set by a foreign tool taking a daily toll playing our country for a fool Red-lining that all roads lead to Russia’s fool.  We could all be schooled by Collins of Maine who trains her clear-sighted eye on the here, now and why. Lee of Utah took the mic saying“For decades, Congress has been giving far too much legislative power to the executive branch,” Moran of Kansas has sass and verve in going against the tenor of the Republican tribe. Despite dumpf’s diatribes and attempted bribes, Jerry is juggling rational thinking with unblinking, unthinkable, stinking adherence to the party of racist, rabel-rousing T.V. personality impersonating Pres POTUS. “I share President’s goal of securing borders, but expanding powers of the presidency beyond its constitutional limits is something I cannot support.” A good return to reassert treasured reason with this retort in this season of presidential treason which the man with orange complexion and hair does for sport. Murkowski is coherently unbowed, uncowed, an avowed person of principle:“Congress is a co-equal branch of government and as such Congress should stand up for itself.”Rand Paul’s roll call stalled potus’ grotesque operandi motus:“If we take away those checks and balances, it’s a dangerous thing,” Portman of a Ohio said the putrid I presidential Pres. potus is setting “dangerous precedent” Oh here is Mitt, in the midst of the mindset of modest moderates ultimately he urgently urges Utah “would also expect the president stay within statutory and constitutional limits.” Toomey of PA in a timely particularly Patrick sort of way said the other day that potus’ the declaration of a national emergency was “a very important separation of powers issue.”Sen. Wicker of ol’ Miss. missed no opportunity to say he had “”serious reservations” about what dumpf was trying to dump on the separation of powers, in March, May or even in April showers. When it rains, it’s poisoning platforms dumpfian for sure. ****A fine line between insanityprolix profligate and vigorous connection to humanity I’ll enjoy my stroll through the wordplay roles. No goal in sight Not fear this early hour approaching twilightA word which plagued dad Because he had a homophobic streak. He would have cursed me in Hebrew and Greek for not doing something to make my son straight. I’m glad I let him be who he isBecause the constraints of trying to be who you are not have got to lead to a road of riotous rot. ***I’m queasy. Uneasy But about what?That I’m a nut?Often was true. So what am I going to do?Attend to now. Like milk the brush-brown, bovine cowardly cowering Dow Jones junkie. Get the monkey money off by backbone But it’s fun and I’m not prone to heartache over losses because essentially I’m my own bosses. ****Dumpf and I both crave endless praise. On most days we feel victimized. While I prize intellectual, physical, artistic and spiritual renewal He prefers to stew, lie, manipulate, steal, harm, destroy and traitorously deny. ****A good and ordinary day. Made enough money for dinner. When I eat only one meal, I might not be thinner but enjoy the food moreBought at restaurant or store. Composed, exercised, meditated, studied, cleaned, found therapy therapeutically Happy, snappy, sated serendipitouslyCured not bored of education many days It’s uncanny In my retirement vacation Now if Danny will get his act more together and Beth and I can be closer And I can do something to help our beleaguered country. How am I like dumpf?*****If confidence helps me trade better How can I regain it without mindlessly Overcompensating which would surely not make me rich. To exit the darkness of this demon’s dilemma’s ditch Switch on a light Clear the air so there’s nary a care from allowing myself - nay and hark!A spark of truth: No more being gas-lighted. No longer staunched and bled from toe to head from frighted fear front, sidewinder, venomous Was Polyphemus polygamous?With one eye did he eye more than one wife?Why digress to ancient Grecian urns When there’s money to be earnedLife to be lived here and now But how More Zoloft?Would Seroquel make me whole and well?Would it let me feast on life instead Of just baker’s bread with a healthy side of word salad no longer stuck-there’s that stodgy word again- Men and women and those not bounded by binary bigoted barges of hateReplicate no longer stuck, half-dead in beds of thorns from dusk till morn. Ho!It’s just beyond the horizon Not quite yet in sight. This insight in itself Worth more than books unread on my shelf Diminishes depression Already a pretty darn good session. Quickly for a brief instant revisit this poem’s starting lines:confidence helpsregain without Overcompensating which would not make me richDepress compensation, making taking a vacation too expensive But wait!Maybe a vacation, a little trip is what’s needed!Not to be flip butThis advice I’ve oft heard before So go someplace. Perhaps wear a jersey to the sands of the Jersey Shore or Bangalore or Lahor where in Pakistan I could get a nice tan. Man anything new would be great Instead of decrying my denying vibrant vitality stuck in endless Hamlet-like neutrality. Come on man Stop hiding, stop biding by Biden my sweet old time to this tired old YouTube tuneless tune Re-read the tea leavesLeave the reading of ancient runes to platoons of scholars with ermine collars. Get upGet going Give up the vanity, needless to say also the profanity and Man...Come on, man.Climb into the American, not from Pakistan nor Rolls Royce’s London office or Baden-Württemberg’s Mercedes-BenzMan get to the point!Get out of this stultifying joint. Be like independent Dan Get onto a bus, a train, into a plane or that Lamé green mini-van. ****If I’m so creative and smart Why can’t I join in , take part Do something, any little thing to start to bring Our society to a better direction?I suspect my predilection for doing nothing Is in part based on splitting my actual self From an obsessive angry overload Who hoards the energy diminishing confidence in an all too successful attempt to spare my getting emotionally bruised. Now that I’m clued in I can get up Start my day With a little more vim Like a rejuvenated him. All alight with gratitude’s delights Enjoying more than whimsEnergetic no longer pointlessly, pathetically peripatetic Over-wired, perpetually tired fearing testily, tearfully oh so wearily Nay, now I say I’ve moved on in this short space of a poem’s brief time From the crime of self hate, dreadfully, drearily boring ennui, the sickening stickiness: stuck in a nest of monsters Loch Ness Now a new besser lake where I take my props Starting not stopping  A place worth even a longer wait Of cheerily, merrily, a trifle immodestly But oh so deliciously, delightfully dearlyThinking appropriately ever more clearly. ****Tuesday, November 10, 2019What do I want to discuss at tomorrow’s session?My strong internal reaction and regression accommodating Deb as if she were a celeb. Even then Why would I want to give her so much power to make me hate myself and despair of ever improving enough to be feeling enough for Beth and music, intelligent and unblocked enough to learn to play, sing, conduct, compose popular music, learn all I need to be welcomed and sought after rather than being avoided like a plague and a disaster. Bad star. Is there anything I can learn from the orange Teflon reality TV evil clown star?Get out of town?Out ofMy comfort zone. Own my own Like myself, all that is known. I crave admiration.Stop trying to impress people. This second way feels more agreeable. Is it developable?Or- and- And/or I could discuss Lisa’s comment that although she relates to my angerShe relates to little that I say. Though we did have a nice little conversation that day’s night about a little night music at the end of the session. Or discuss the way she twice defended meAs it might be a problem forHer if she is too forgiving. I need to defend myself. So while it initially felt warm and supportiveIt was an indictment of my own abortive Attempts to be an adult, getting past my fears. Or I can go back to Deb and how Briefly I thought I might have to leave the group because I feared her and Lisa’s comments were the beginning of an avalanche and I’d rather staunch the bleeding as my own internal suggests I be heeding. The thought of leaving fills me with something akin to bereaving. Weaving my talk about how Chantel is always so eager to get away from me when we happen to take the elevator together. Michael was also in a hurry to flee my company. Some or any of this might have something to do with them. Simon and Patrick seem to Ike me. And Lisa is very cordial. At least once after group she connected with me, telling me a comment I made was helpful to her. Now longer a blurShe did this twice.It felt terribly nice. I always give more weight to those who make my skin crawl up a wall Wanting to sell myself offFrom Billy Bob to gothically inclined Geoff. I may have invited Deb’s drubbingBy offending her when she took off her sweater stretching, I stared at her breasts. She is a beautiful woman, as are Lisa and Chantal.  Or I can talk of the three former students who were so happy to see me. Prompting my poem “Not everyone hates me.”Monday, December 9, 2019Sow and you shall read. In the Game of the Glass BeadThe wisdom you seek, of which you speak In tongues Egyptian, Latin and Greek. Yes the wisdom you need A thousand words at a good clipLike a good and godly spirited speeding steed. Indeed, head Hesse’s advice:Be literate but remember:be nice. ***Hollis is in Queens In California, Alaska, Kansas, New Hampshire, Oklahoma, Maine and Missouri. A true Missurah mystery if you ask me. If you want to know how this is could beThe answer can be found in not in the halls of Harvard but in Hollis The Harvard Library Catalog Where you won’t get bogged down or teary lurching from one source database to anotherBecause it searches most sources in one unified query. ***Not everyone hates me said frog to rat. That’s true said rat as he barely escaped from hungry cat. Frog happened to hop, quite quickly and non-stopto a pad all frilly with lilies.  His cousin Billy from the hilly terrain Flew in from a state deranged saying “They all hate me too.”Frog, familiar with this line of thinkingKnowing full well it leads to a mess of depressive, stinking drinking Said, “Cuz, I know about now you’ll want to get buzzed but hear me out about this and that cat and rotating, reverberating, ratatat tat ridiculous house of mirrors/horrible self perpetuating horrors.”“Ok, frog. Please get to the point. My head’s splitting from your endless prelude. I should be sitting in a half lotus with my thumb and four front feathers in meditative silence. I don’t have all night in this joint.”“Oh, all right. Point is: sure, many out there either don’t care where or whether you dare to do something good and fail. They’ll laugh, they’ll forget then mock assailing the next courageous soul. Continue to be bold. Get hold of your goals. Stop giving naysaying negative nudniks normative nuclear niceties. In nineteen ninety nine a great guru said ‘Don’t let the elephants get you down standing on your head.”Suddenly relaxed was his former frown. “Acknowledge the negative, move on.Be with the positive.”“Yeah. Well, something like that.”(Mumbling: yeah I could have said it better if that damn cousin of mine wouldn’t have interrupted...)“What’d you say,” said Billy from Hollis Hilly.”“Oh, just reminding myself not to be a hypocritical frog: let my ego go melt like the last sight of the spring snow.”Cuz and frog sipped their hot chocolate with melting marshmallows. Sleepily, calmly, peaceful, empty yet full of the null state, sated, satisfied, all was ok. So, the cousins, with a measure of mellow were quietly all, well you know:They were so all aglow. 

Sunday, December 8, 2019For the first time in years I dream of having my symphony played, danced and sung among other venues At the Kennedy Center. Not sure why there. There’s a scene where my chamber works are given in recital at Curtis. The Phil does my SixthIt’s a gift singing Mahler with a big, full-throated voice No need to hollerNo hiding turning up hood and collar. Play a little  bassoon. Study violin, piano and drums on the side drumHum happily, as a guitar I strum. Buy a clarinet and a bass one tooAn English horn or two with jelly I’ll jam for brunch muffin munch With bunches of friends at soirées musical I’ll read poetry to many an adoring audience. World renowned from Timbuktu to dignitaries including the honorable Desmond Tutu. ***I have that new, additional friend I’ve been wanting for a while. It’s easy to communicate and smile Naturally in his company As we have so much in common. I suspect as the Zoloft continues to take effect I might even make another new friend someday soon. Gee this med has many blessings, a real boon I started it none too soon.***I used to work in construction. Oh yeah?What did you do?For I too did a similar job?Did you polish door knobs?No?Too much of a snob for that menial task?Glad you asked. I went from one site to another Some in valleys other on ridges. And what did you do on those ridges?Just before I left each firm I specialized in carefully, self-sabotaging burning my bridges. ***The lone wolf Pulled the wool out over our eyes. Cries for help were useless. Three clicks of the heel Said Dorothy Then the ruthless ruffian will vanish From Kansas retiring to the tombs of Manishtushu, Akkadian king Are people any wiser now about this thing?Not the Kaiser on a roll Perhaps Jelly Roll Morton stomping in Kansas City Pretty darn gritty This dirty ditty has been cleaned up A la carte Started with a wild wool-pulling wolf Winding up with Morton’s stomp taking us far afield into another stateOf mind I was blindNow I seeing Said GraceThis is truly heel-clicking, finger-licking Akkadian finger-snapping, Man oh man, Manishtushu has an amazing name for a king. Let’s learn to be wiser when Drinking more than one Budweiser. What!Revise her storied visit to the emerald city fantasy world?That girl and generations of movie buffs would be sapphire blue, sorely missing, miffedSkeptically singing sang Doris Lessing of the female experience Hence Buffs miffed about missing sang Anna Moffo. Otto had a premonition of becoming a Prediger, preacher not predator. Both boffo Moffo and boffo Otto were bountifully boffoInspiring Biff to riff on random historical Factoids even boffo French songs sung by Moffo. ****Ok. It’s the first day on the job’s shop floor. Think back to 1964. Guy from now comes to the formanSaying “I just googled the source code, then texted you the infomatics.”Forman’s a poker-faced fellow. Says “ok, Mac,I’ll be right back.”Dials his desk rotary phone. Tells the folks at Bellevue he’s got one hell you got to get in a jacket straight away cause he’s prone to be a lone actor, and at that a dangerous malevolent malefactor. ***This line, by MichaelWith permission to recycle:For our great, stable genius, the chosen one, beloved by evangelical rich, white farmers, who’s a charmer of dictators dictatorial in places north, south, east, even equatorially central,The shortest distance between two pointsIs an angle. ****I’m guilty.I left a great school. Couldn’t swim in that pool. Repeatedly, masochist, myself the fool. Not cool. ***Issues and tendencies:Tendencies and issues.Fish you for fish. Wish you for word salad without walnuts or anchovies. You’d think with all my therapies I’d have been a better parent A better teacher, husband, musician,Human being. Well, I’m not so bad. Probably a little more glad than had I not had been otherwise. Though it would have been wise To recuse myself from self-judgement Buys me time to heal and feel through my ordeals. Should have been on meds earlier and for longer. (Still may need something stronger.)I tried in my twenties. Plenty were the signs of not belonging. But the attempt was paltry. Clueless to the depth of my issues and low rent addictive, compulsive, obsessive, angry, unconscious tendencies. ****My son wears makeup. Yup. One of the ways he’s individuating Creating his persona. Own up to the fact. Back off. Be accepting. Be unconditionally loving of our son. Is he just having fun?Does he feel trapped?How can he snap out of whatever is holding him in chains?He sees clearly he needs helpWhich he previously disdained. Support him in that. Don’t lecture. Not only no needIt will seed him with negative junk. He does strange things when drunk. Except he wasn’t tipsy the timeIn a play, he wore a dress. Ok a cross-dressing production. Was there subliminal seduction?Was he the only one?Did the director, who I insulted years prior do it to get back at me?(A joke a la Richard Pryor.)No longer free to be paranoid. destroyed my career. Steer clear of egocentricity. Let his energy be free of my complicity. I’m uncomfortable with all this. In our present society it’s not so unusual Everyone is messed up in some way. Press on. Press up. Yup, my pup. You’ve got lots of good in you. Too much good to go misunderstood. Good, dear sonYou’re far from sunk Despite your funk. We all have myths and fears to debunk. ***Yes I’m pissed. Guilty I caused him to be as misfit as I. Don’t compare Don’t  repent In private, vent or cryDon’t deny. Accept facts as they are. Yes he goes to too many bars. ****I’ve spent too much energy on what went wrong. Oh, you’ve already heard this self-indulgent song?What! You think it’s about you too?Carly says you’re so vain. A plain vanilla complaint. Be not faint of heart. Come along for the cure. The adventure sure to broaden horizons Don’t be a jerk. Text it on Verizon’s network:Two parts snake oilBoil for thirty seconds There’s plenty more mix with Kool-AideDon’t be afraid. Help yourself to seconds. Friday, November 6,2019He felt the pain from the memory As though it were happening now. I wish I did not know how Miserable this somehow makes the room spin and reel. Without meds I might be dead inside Feeling little or nothing at all. I’ve hit a wall. Yet tonight, as always this fall, I had a fun Engaging and helpful batting the ball of personal no-longer repressed gall. ****Often when listening My mind wandersBesonders nicht gut. ****Can I stop writing?Highlighting yet another compulsive Compulsion with wired words effusive. Rest elusive These self sent missives Elicit a laugh but not dismissive. ***Since compulsively seeking approval Is one of my OCD traitsI have every hope that sooner or later As I wait in front of the open refrigerator These tiring, trying traits will one day abate. ***The group may help me hide less. The rest of my life is ok. I play with this I play with that. Never belonged to a frat I pat myself on the back For fewer panic attacks. ***Can I learn to think on my feet?Oh what feat, what a self-respecting treat that  would be for me and those around. It would represent being of mind more stable and sound. ***She pointed out that writing is silentRelated to the nonverbal aspect of Communicating through music. Composing is solitary. Confinement in retirement is Different than before. More friends now, more social and how!Not unusual for people to work many long hours alone if to the sciences or arts pronating feet tapping to their own individual best beat is  nick of a trick for a best jock wannabe hick. With this schtick I’m a funny sort of musician. A magician with FinaleWell not really. But sufficiently adept to have keptMy interest by and by. ****When weeks ago she said she is very sexual It was a turn-on and a tease. Pleasing to the ear. That night did I have an extra beer?***She said what I said was trite. It had a bite. Though I felt my words hung hollow Showing anger did not follow. The other said “Ken starts with the general then gets into it.”That felt nice, caring, soothing. SmoothingSmothering with motherly-daughterly love perhaps I fall into the category of the men they talked about who are needy and weak. She also said she doesn’t relate to most of what I say but she does relate to my anger. It’s funny because, even without high res, I relate to most of what she says. The youngest woman gave me props about My unceasing search for inner peace. I enjoy the sessions both because I’m socially starved and this carves out, so to speak, a highlight of my week. ****Nicer since I’ve been on Zoloft Might have helped my career lift from basement to loftier heights. Calmer days Less obsessive nights Less stubborn, less defensive So less offensive. Pensive stillthough more focused into a creative opus On these little pills. More gusto and goShowing anger less.Less reactive. The half life of my mean faces has decreased If not totally ceased. More loving though Sleepier, weepier More fragile Plus Continuing from years past Little real feeling Weird smiles unappealing Constant sighing through movies and TV shows makes it hard for family to go Watch entertainment with me. See I still have Intrusive thoughts mostly about my last jobMaking myself feel like a worthless slob. These cause the most pain.Hard to refrain from intrusive thoughts, some violent ones remain. That is, in the main, the main complaint****I’m happy to play second fiddle to my well-grounded spouse She espouses reason As naturally as I create self-pleasing. ****Yes as previously said, second fiddle isBetter then the third wheel out of place in space-time continuum betwixt and between mean faced spleen from feeling powerless, impotent, trapped, not fully alive. Ask Olive, Oliver or Clive- don’t forget jiving with Clyde not to mention Claude how they felt, oh my lordy, lady and gentlemen lords when they dealt with self doubt on the inside. Too much false wounded pride. I never paid my dues. Are these blues really trueOr another of my painful distortions cognitive?I gratefully live another day to explore my navel in novel creative play. ***It helped that Beth prompted me to think how to end my compulsive talking about everything under the sun including the clink of molasses holding glasses being washed in the kitchen sink. ****The answer my friend, is not blowing in the wind. It is blowing off steam where no one sees, writing dreams. Drafting poems, stories, music, exercising, meditating to compassionately cultivate the golden rule The best sort of kindergarten school. ****I’ve always had a problem with giving the nod to the goldenrod rule. On top of that add a layer of guiltThick as limey, loamy silt built byInviting bullying to make masochistic my meandering through life. So I want to treat people better-Especially my loving wife-Than how I’ve worn the Charlotte letter. ****What to do with my guilt for having caused Danny’s issues?Let Beth take the lead. He needs her solid read on reality People skills, if you will in the race to get ahead there’s little room basically for banality or temporary insanity. Thursday, November 5, 2019Tom Steyer is clever SmartHas a good heart. Could he have leverage To win To set out country right and safe Out of harms’ way. He and Bloomberg what a ticketTo get us out of this dumpf’s thicket. Could he go toe to toe With that brutal, clownish bozo beast Who is killing us from the inside Making us his traitorous feast?****Whether you swung a baseball bat At that thorny hornets’ nest Or whether its feather-weight tether Broke pouring the neither bee nor ant stingers On my singer’s head I still bled Needing recovery with compassion-Not a passing frisson fashion Make it my passion-Maybe even a little extra care at home in bed. Though bitingly stung This wise wisdom from AmyHelped calm and tame meSo I could go about my day Not in a wispy, wasp’s wishy-washy sort of way Rather playing bold, robust. As I prefer. As I, with gusto, must. Now that this golden story’s been told:Sure glad I heard it before I got too old Long in the tooth That’s the gods’ hornets truth. Forsooth and by the way We love our yellow jackets. Actually they’re classy black. Thanks for always having my back. Hope you’re having a wonderfully restful vacation. Me?Working on increasing tolerance for elation. So that’s how it goes. Love,BroWednesday, November 4, 2019Tokens of my love No longer easily brokenWhat really mattered No longer easily shatteredFelt battery-less, battered Aged Easily damaged; So said my mate:delicateMore than a little brittleDespite successes, feeling verging on failing, falling off my course, my plan to more than rail against hail of unholy grail of deeply ingrained painful thoughts ruminative Throw those over the rail Cease being frail. ***a fragile ceramic container; a fragile alliance.vulnerably delicate, as in appearance:She has a fragile beauty.lacking in substance Lacking in force; flimsy:a fragile excuse.***WeepierSleepier. Side effects I detect ****Guten Morgan, mein guter Freund, Ray.Mittwoch, 4 November 2019Kein Bier vor vier. I’m looking forward to that drink oh so dear. Today it will be a Margarita or two.True I’ll need lots of food and water to bootSo I’ll feel ok and gut. ****Ein guter Name ist alles. Meiner Name ist schlecht. Hi, I’m Joe J. Schlecht. I detect a speck of a sleeker spark of truth. Forsooth, my new favorite word showing up in this and that pallid word salad. The effect I had until recently Did not always leave me feeling decently. Can I emerge whole and guter? Again?When ready of course. I won’t be Norse, Chinese nor PrussianRushing won’t make my boat sail. Try and fail. Fail and try. Or just compose and hide till I die. The question is how to gradually develop A developing personalityConsistently realist, rational, caring Compassionate, less ego-envelopingDaring to consistently control but not too tightly Day and nightly So my wayward emotions might not mightily Move me into familiar terrain Making others complain. Yes, naturally, organically sans strain. I make myself plain. In more meanings than one. Have fun in the process Go back to Kindergarten Unlearn painful lessons from Martin. He did his best, giving me gifts of resilience, fitness, unrelenting standards- double-edged swordfish, delish malapropisms, puns, jokes, storytelling, writing, music and art. A good start but for the unconscious, compulsive competing Internalized becoming self-defeating. Yes comfortable in my own skin. I can at life be a golden-haired boy winning Grinning lovingly for family, friend, world and nation. What a notion. Be enthralled in the common commerce community conversation Seeking no approval Silent until something truly needs to be said Instead of compulsively over-sharing Paring losses Learning from life’s innumerable byways coursing comfortable in the company of men, women, children all...All creatures whether small, medium or tall. *****So the recognition that Zoloft Caused my slow down andMy proactive plan got me back on track Some of the energy is showing up in compulsivity Could be with the same trick of non-judgmental awarenessI will make better choices. And no, I do not hear voices. *** Zoloft probably is the cause of my reduced energyThough I need it and probably more to quiet my mind. My plan is for the next four days to push myself A little. Get up by sevenGo to sleep by eleven. ****Heidi was my friend In the dreamseemed so real. Her collegial smile In that scene I was neither sycophant nor in denial. Trials felt manageable I had retuned to teach middle school band for a while at least. The beating of my anger-beast Was MIA As I reflected her pleasant calm, happy way. She had assumed the positive good cheer Of Amy, my sister dear. We discussed logistics Heuristics realistic. In the cafeteria-like eatery. Liana, owner of Kenn’s bar not bakery Came from not very far. We discussed whether there was space for all the kids to eat. Liana was neat, nervous, evasive. She didn’t know her capacity. Following her scanning of the room I too took it all in a zoomIncluding the exit door which Whose darkness I had not noticed before. What’s more: it was clear she did not want the students. ****Nice drums. Facetious?A little. Puts me in the mind of that job. No longer a riddle. I still sob. ****I’ve less energy. Is there still some synergy?Started that day in August when Gusto at PT gymEvaporated on a whim. I stopped yoga classes, dance, private lessons, meditation groupsDo less walking through hoops, true. Fluke?rebuke?That it took effort to get out into the day. The world waits for no one especially if they are prey. Need to sleep more. blood work up sure. Zoloft, might be a factor. The lessening of energy, etc. Started at the time I started the ***I’ve been drinking more Less than two a day and not very day. Though sometimes at parties it’s more. No massages. Hardly any candy. More night viewing If you know what I mean. More focused artist production. So it’s a mixed bag. ***He’s been saying he’s better than Honest AbeLying dumpf uses the nazi sick trick Repeating endlessly liesAs more people buy inEurope’s safety viz a viz Russian aggression Can’t wait for his sessionsAt NATO and in England. His band of bandits makes off with more loot While the crimes of crime syndicate Pile up early and very late. With our current leader is running thin. Does macho defense of a war criminal Having the head of the navy fired Inspire military ire?Others tune out and ignore. What can I do to put my shoulder to the wheel of decency, democracy and the public weal?****Sunday, December 1, 2019I look forward Backwards too The next drink at a Bar Mitzvah Or even at Starbucks So it’s oral fixation That’s at the center of craving libations. ***I liked the sauce Until it became my boss. ***Saturday, November 30, 2019Dedicated to Dennissent to Beth:Lorraine from Maine Met Al from AINursed a rye on the red-eye from Alsace At that conference on old technology They conversed knowledgeably. Plain to see the way theyLaughingly complained Of facts about Vax, experiences with Alsacian main frames Bells, whistles and alarms They enjoyed each other’s charms especially when discussing server farms. ***Not every poem I write Has to be the gods’s greatest gift and delight. Just a venting vent meant to stem overflowing tidesmyself easier to abide requiring less that lesson learnedTurned toward my fellow beingNot as often hidingless pressure infernal From demons internal. lava-like, overly constrained contained Harbored, skidded, then slid into mid-brain. ***Progress I’ve made Learning more than in past decades. Is it enough to call cognitive distortions endlessly clever self-sabotaging bluffs?***So what is my main issue?Fear that I can’t learn social skillsWork skills?Just take pills?****Learn!Earn my wings. Bring me up to stand at the feet of those whose feats of courage and self-reinvention I admire. Sire my own recoveryAddressing each blocking learning issueIn my being’s every sinew and tissue. ***We learn from our parents’ model how ourselves to coddle in ways often unhelpful Not unheard of See the above. Now learn a healthier wayStay in the games Don’t hide, rubbing wounds perpetually, probably pining privately, laying down to die saying why bother to continue to try lying about hiding. Get up, dust yourself off. Oft the only way. ****On a semi-conscious level When angriest I was reveling channeling dadBeing real he-man tough and madThinking that’s the only way I can. Only it was weak not toughOne of many delusions Or perhaps just profound confusing confusions from top many self-inflicted contusions. So then no real tough guy he-man then When I finally figured it out there are lots more things I’d rather be than than tough, rough pinch slinging, loud come-out swinging big really real he-man. It’s apparent as myself I reparent I warrant more caring self-care. ***He played my piece Beautifully I might add. Misled by dad’s anger becoming, amplifying my ownWhen did I own up to How the coop had my reason flown?Had I truly known then What I know now Holy cow I wouldn’t have had a cowI might have not that friendship destroy Setting a pattern trapping me in annoying every girl, boy, man and woman, those in shades of preference in-betweenSeeing how  Giving inappropriate lipI dip drearily deposing unseating my better self with a wealth of self-sabotaging stealthInto the morass I further sank. Luckily at the timeTo be perfectly frankI hardly drank. ****Between the hidden, barely, previously repressed internalized rage of stupid-honey-coated insincere off-putting honestbullying saving faceand pandering sycophant there is a place of interest true, constructive feedback, if you find the patience, compassionate non-reactionary honesty to care. ***Co-opted Empty hearted. Fits and falsely started to depart instead Hard to get out of bed HoneSo I stayed on the covers Sleeping later than in many years. No fears of which I was aware Kept me there. ***Watching the world go by Idling my limited time time I die. Morbid on my bed of calls and puts Wait! I don’t trade options. I guess than my option. ****I’m self-conscious Constantine *****We are all handicapped in some ways. Many much more seriously than I. So why oh whyDo I have so much trouble getting out of my bubble Wrath is not the most soothing kind of basic bathhouse, boathouse bath. ***I’ve got an imagination fulminating, fastidious, fertile. Could it help hurtle over handicapping hurdles?***The elephant in the room Came home to roost Not a moment too soon. ***It feels great to get out of the house. Better late than Everest Mount climbing Stumbling however humbling stilling subliminal sublime grime mindfully mulling many a mental morass in tall evergreen grassBumbling unprepared over underpass paved in  that aforementioned tall wet well-worn ruminative rut-worn grassy richly deserved to dessert Sassy doesn’t get you far on foot Having left the car in a cartoon on an ego-involved devil-may-care addicted alcohol-fueled date at this late date in life leaving off where once I climbed internal mountains fountains of testosterone forsooth finally I am a youthful youth of sixty plus where careless slips fussily, hungering so those poisonous blackish berries on the bush privet privately paint portraits pathetic. Beware the inflation Seriously seeking to rise above my depressed way-station seeking false gods with falser nods only to falter in striving for ever greater unnatural elation. ***Poems are a way to reduce compulsive talk. Chalk it up to overflowing ideas, lack of careers, a need to connect. I select Writing eclectic at my Selectric let’s off steam so I don’t as often take a hike sans bike to the stream of unconsciousness meaning to scramble and scream eating tubs of ice cream. Compulsive talk?Walk it off. ***Does Lily eat lox in her pad?Gladly, Beth has lox for lunch, brunch and On it she happily munches a bunch. ***A new genreHonoring Inspired by Saint Sylvia Never tiring of self abuseAm I as sick and obtuse?Hath or can my wrath Enable me to find a safer path?***Heidi is in demand. They wanted to give me junior band. All over Olie’s, Olivia’s, Olive’s and Oliver’s landShe gave a handDoing everything golden. Whiles I be smothering and smoldering. She conducted at Yankee Stadium and Carnegie HallBy me they were appalled. I gave money, thousands upon thousandsDoing a dozen plus years of the bosses’ errands. They said I wanted to amend the school Budget to take away other departments’ funds. There were other moments of fun as well.Wasn’t it swell when the orchestra mutinied?Routine between my self hate, being overly accommodating, backfiring being endlessly bullied and sullied -first by myself inviting biting, bruising days and nights I dug my grave gravely naively, queasily a target with bull’s-eye ere seen easily bringing out the worst I periodically burst into bastions of the mean streaks I masochistically, magically, quite miraculously made manifest Negative thought patterns Made me difficult Detached as though I were on the rings icy of Saturn rather than the dirty neon night streets of Manhattan. Many anti-climatic monthsI felt under the gun. When in these moods I see the times I was not a good sonFather, husband, human Feeling like scum Ho hum. Come comeBut don’t come undone. You could say I was a little misunderstood and undisputedly under-appreciated I also misunderstood them through fear Bordering on paranoiaI got my joy when they annoyed By eating Häagen DazThis path of focus on the negative leads to one place and one place only. And it isn’t safe. Locking myself in my prison’s safeIsn’t helping neither. Take a breather on the way to that sick place and thingSecure body with soul food: several six packs of Ring Dings. I did well considering how sick I wasBecause now with meds and self care A little better as a healthy pup or frisky Kenny kitty I do by far better fare. ***Friday, November 29, 2019Cognitive distortion day:Trivia did my mind play on me. See I was obsessed with composing Posing as a very stable genius since at the work table I am able to thusly delude Denuding demons Becoming neither Heather’s heathen nor Morgan Freeman. Writing gives me the life-long sought freedom. So why is it important that any body reads ‘em?****True my depressions last only a few hours Next time I want to remember I get myself out and quickly about Time. ***Before having a bite to eat I indulge in the literary treat. ****Stay away from pen and ink?I think notThat self-denying penurious ployThat heinous plotShall not Rot The moment of inspiration hotWhen effortless to drink the drink of similie, smile and wink. ***I write in the morn I write at noonLike playing bassoon Leading with your best read.****I get up, I write. At night afire and afore the light Of the day doth from doggerel fade away I savor the infinite flavors of this plentiful plate gravy boat great!****Happy!Now that’s a snappy, snazzy, razzmatazzy Classical, pop, non- stop...Stop!Hold the presses!Wait!Happiness can’t last. Blasphemous!Don’t try to forestall the inevitable fall. The good news is that neither can the bottom of the unhappiness abyss. Trying to hold on, you’ll miss out on what arrives next in each new tiny, minute minute. Indulge not in that pure anti-happiness sappiness. Let it all go. That’ll show the cattle call as well as the individual way To playEach and every day This you already know Good friend Ray. Thursday, November 28, 2019After a couple hours of writing and composing I’m more than ok. In this mood there’s no need to try to make it stay. Moods and thought come and go. So enjoy that flow. Unwanted thoughts are already far and away Held at bay with no effort A comfort to know if it can happen once It can happen many a special nonce. Now the trick:Be quick Be glad for the progress I’ve had. Enjoy the better reaction and interaction with people of the field, glade and city towns. Many things lighten my formerly furrowed burned out, browned out, brushed aside Braun’s Braintree brown crown. Braun associations:Fomer nazi Surrendered to the U.S. to save his hide By and by he came to lead our space program. May have been politically agnostic More interested in making real the space flight zeal of the sci-fi writers read as a child. Among other things he was focused not far flung or wild. ***I can’t play I can’t singI can’t do any damn thing Has the ring ofDistortion cognitive That fictive thing With that special sauce sort of bling. ***Anti-social?Cull the best to learn something too. Shall we start anew?Gee, I’m getting fond of artisan brew social. With dal, macaroni shells, with baloney it goes wellWhat the hell. Helen of Troy weight couldn’t hold a candle to handling The balcony scene between Juliet and RomeoGo slow on the drink... wink, wink. ***Uncomfortable to be sure. Before I walked in the door. Envious of others’ naturalness and spontaneous joy. Oh boy!I don’t know the basicsMore comfortable in ASICS or New Balance On this Thanksgiving I’ve no misgivings About more often giving the positive more valence. ***A staunch believer that golden retriever petsHave been shown to help Vets. I bet they’d be better delaying a heard of ibex  I heard they could staunch Better than a Pre-launch lunch, a gut punch launching an unholy bunch Of tailspin depression...That’s why I’m giving myself this poetry session. Thanksgiving is difficult for many Kenny is thankful for Zoloft And booze Soon I’ll snooze. Yet generally choose a million Compulsive activities such are my proclivities Afore I put on my night teeth and pleasantly snore. ****As I have more good things in my life, intrusive thoughts have increased - mostly about that job, causing self-depreciation leading to very brief, intermittent bouts of despair- Anti-libidinal ego and all that.Beef up my tolerance for happiness... that and get out in the world more, continue to be busy and productive but no longer mostly alone as I’m prone. Wednesday, November 27, 2019 I say what people want to hear Even or especially if it hurts me dear. Then recriminare myself. What a devilishly evil-elf-ishly way to promote deep, deep, hopeless, helpless despair. Understanding its cause and effect for decades didn’t Stop its painful powerful dint, save for a very brief case in case I care where as now By golly I dare to venture out into little adventures no longer a servant indentured. Holy cow not needing unholy vowsNow was it John Locke or David Hume, Scottish not British nor skittly skittish to assume humor empirically lightens, lessening formerly metastasizing tubular gloom. ***I repair to my phone Texting all alone.  ****No need myself to prove It behooves neither me nor others Cycles of self-turmoil and torment Lent me an alienating air.From that lair of endless nights of deep dish despair Wish listing Lilting lightly Having sprightly repaired mental wares Doing better faring with the forest’s fairestIn Sherwood, Robin cut the ribbon on what should becomes good in any of Mr. Roger’s neighborhoods. ****After I finish this symphony I’ll get out more Continue to strengthen core and abs Dabble in second hand small talk gabs festsTaking mental tests. ***It is said one needs criticism and critique To grow let go of pique. ***Composing, health, finances and family all go well. The increase in intrusive thoughts of self-deprecating deprecation in relation To bumping up against my upper threshold of happiness. Stretch that limit bit by little bit With wit, witticismLetting go of self-generated criticism. ****It’s still Wednesday by a few minutes to go. What do I have to show For today’s labors of love?A few dollars profit An increase in accounts A better draft of movement four A drop of exercise and cleaning and language study. That’s a lot.  Though I drankI was neither sotted nor dotted with remorse. Playing the bourse Of course I’d prefer bigger returns Since it’s how I earn my keep. Still I sleep wellLetting go of thoughts pell-mell. ****A touch of the nutso-ness Russian not Irish-ness On my mind, kind of cause we’re seeing “The Irishman” tonight. Back to the blight Not of potatoes, the mess of mentally convoluted gems I think in doggerel stemming The tide of intrusive thought Bought me a muted minute’s more time, verbose not dime-store dumbThumb nimbly my noseSo it goes Whose running shoes running, punning on life’s dunning in self aware states New York not Wyoming Why oh why deny that deep Red states spate of hate thusly in this spate of words in salad with field greens, strung out on no other than string beans, On the spectrumSeen on the Verizon Horizontal, vertical and ruinously roundabout No doubt a drop of paranoia and detachment from reality This poem a scherzo of sclerotic rigidity lacking ability to adapt Sometimes a nap reduces slight schizophrenia meany ya no harm Still sound a tiny sleek alarm- or another. My mother was “pleasantly distracted.”A much-loved Saint Whose picture I paint in warm colors even if I have not recovered from her being far awaywhen in old age she evinced more interest I pushed her periodically to the periphery infinitely navel gazing has found its place It’s outlet in art For my part I want to be a better dad and husband, neighbor, friend and colleague. That’s a good start. ***Too much bolus for dinner two nights in a row So I woke at twoToo lowAte too much I had an inkling at the time. (They are tasty.)My snack was fineJust needed a unit to stay on even keel. Steel myself for better counting Titration needs mindful self-care I do care so why do I carelessly inject When I know the effect Destabilizing is part of my self-sabotaging. I’ve learned a bit of French Some good exercises getting into better shape Discipline has lowered my A1cYou see I now on e again learn after all Those years in the desert of slight mental illness Ouch that I didn’t stay with meds when in my twenties and Why when Sima eventually was ready to send me to a psychopharmacologist did I resist Yes that and all psychopharmacologists did I repeatedly resist. That psychistric tryst?I trust my trust - or fear of Sima’s disdain for healing psychic pain with a happy pill helped tie me in a knowing, overly knowing doing nothing knitted knot. Do I’ve reduced my defensiveness a little bitty bit that so often I was a hollowed burnt out, fit to be tied nitwit A bitter pill to swallow. Unlike the Zoloft I’ve tried which goes down easily making me less queasily weak, measly perhaps a drop less needy and more competent. What is it exactly I seek?To be competitively competent More comfortably pay the rent. Be loving and compassionate Most of all to get out into the world Where I can soon play bassoon With other boys and girls?No with women and men and then be A man of substance not of abuse. Be clear minded, no longer distracted,Defensive bordering on paranoia, stuck and obtuse. Triangulating the location of our next vacation Which thanks to a slight reduction in OCD I’m gleefully being able to leave work on the table and enjoy time off For good or least better behavior. Gee I still have envy of the best parts of Xavier. So back to the question: with that better behavior, basically what exactly do I want?No need to be a quant or king or stuff myself with ring-dings.Enough dance of avoidance venting I meant I need to Reinvent myself confident...I can be sufficiently cured to endure normal life’s luminal cellular particular, idiosyncratically peculiar poisonous barbs in wherever garb so I can exponentially increase my learning curve. I and all people do this emotional and intellectual growth deserve. Now what?Got almond milk?***I was panicky Listening to Anita’s choir. Put me in the mind of straits dire. I couldn’t learn - really anything for many years. Now I know why. A and first of all Hey A! No longer will I nay say. I can do this. I can do that. Looking forward to my next at bat. CBT is the next piece. Then study Conducting?Singing I know what happens When I study too much. I rot and wilt My creative juice dries like powdered milk. And B for beautiful Beth. Also C not for Ken a hard C as in car Too far afield this ditty is getting wildly unwieldy Back to C: it certainly is true that I need meds and my distress and learning issue were largely chemical. My memory and concentration and learning abilities are much improved. Could be from language study and group. I learned from the PTsFrom the Balance therapist from Ira I hear above the din of my defensiveness I’m learning a few words in other tonguesBeth is more loving and relaxed. I’m generally less defensive though I’ve had a few difficult not even bad days. Par for the course. Better than that. I’ve gotten out of the house. Now do it more. Explore. Have fun on adventures to boroughs and towns Shave the beard Speak Spanish in Harlem Or not.  ****Monday, November 25, 2019Beth and Danny think I lounge around all day. They seem to say my composing, trading, exercise and cleaning have little meaning in the world at large. If I understand them beyond  my house and garage my super sensitive hurting ego. Please go onto another track. Come back to myself little Hebrew. Where is Sheba?***Not every poem has to rhyme. Not everything I write has to be a poem. Nor on my phone. Why don’t I journal again?Am I upset that Danny plays with men?***The Mafia was said to have controlled the Teamsters’ Pension Fund. Jimmy Hoffa...****I’m in a defensiveness-induced mood. Should disappear, dissipate while I wait For eye doctor’s drops to stop Dilating effect Suspecting I need more meds to quiet my. head. ***So much energy Plenty positive, a tinge of anger, mysterious murderous rage from which I turn the page. No surprise there’s lustful, luscious, lip-smacking lust Kicking up cloudy dust In skies otherwise Realize I must, thus this is the freedom I’ve prized It’s all there It’s up to me about which I most care. ***Originally a cur was a term Not German but British For a dog bred to coral the sheep. The brutish meaning accrued at a later date. Do we concur. Calling all curs to coral- curb the current crises of crony con men’s spiteful spate of poisonous hate Our great leader promotes of late. He may the he’s the second coming of the lord Most are bored with his antics though they need to stop. Though he may think he can from demise be arisen it is more likely he will land in prison. ****Anger and depressionStatus please. Anger around the peripheral occipital Lobes Strobe lights needed to spot the depressive. Definitely seems at the moment to be less ofAn issue than managing the growling mangy cur. Occurs to me that anger not only is a trap Slapping me down- not to mention the weird fiendish French fried frowns worn about town - depress me into lethargy’s clap trapping, sapping energy Productive which on the other hand can motivate, even ennoble and elevate. ***Calmer, with a touch of the breeze My NY One minute internal Irish Spring weather report springs a familiar song singing:A few sleazy sneezes for this getting older geezer. What’s treasonous dumpf up to today?Funny how his criminal syndicate is not only indicative of dad’s worst fears about humanity And gee, I still love to rhyme with Sean Hannity In this context he’s the best Maddeningly manipulating mover of mass group thinkers in the dumpf’s stunningly stinking rinky-dink Clogged with every evil kitchen sink. For specifics, please see my poems for The downtown Music Gallery. It presents pretty clear case, I think. Sunday, November 24, 2019Nunes is in on the collusions thing. Bring on the legal minds to bring Him to justiceBefore the Senate busts us. ****If maga-ites have taken the bite wholeHook line and stinkerWashed it down with drink from the kool-aid bowl and if the DOJ Treasury and Courts are packed polluted With ideologues convoluted Then Russian trolls will have free reign From Dallas to MaineUnless the apathetic start caring Exercising their right to vote Hope it’s before republicans take it away ****If Al Capone were president Would he trump the present president?***Finish my cheese...Please. ***I got lucky with DuolingoBeth made a great dinner. Danny has been singing and loving. Beth is more loving tooWhat more could I ask?A better rhyme scheme?***Three cups of coffee. The first two were decaf So they don’t count. Their trace amount of caffeine Won’t harm sleep or spleen. ***Distraction Relaxation Intensity HighThe easy way to escape challenging feelings and experiences without a buffer. Yes stage three of grief Places, patterns, secret activities, ritualistic . ***„Kein Bier vor vier.“I’ll go one better about beer. My dear. No Blue Moon Before noon. ***I could go home. I could stay here writing another dozen poems. I could flirt with the waitress. I could wait another mess of teary years hoping for better things with Beth. ***Fit women in jeansPlease no teens. ***Men, from excessive, uncontrolled lustBetter men than I Try they might have before they diedOf shame couldn’t contain Themselves going bust they mustLusting listlessly after a lovely bust Stand in line. Drink a little wine. Sublimate the sublime. If not financially, politically or morally Certainly they sorely lamented in the confession’s box eating bagels with lox Did some own up to more tawdry toxicity?***Republican Poetry is the name of this page. If you find here no wisdom sageNo need for rage. ***Guns rhyme with pulling pins from Granada‘s grenades pinning pumpkins on hallowed Halloween walls for target practice is good sport for the American sort, teens all- large and small. ****Republican Poetry Is for me!He made me great againTaking up my proverbial pen. I hope you like this little website. Whether read morn, noon or well past midnight Have no fright. If uptight, if it pesters you in your prayers Have no care. These little jokes and puns Are all meant in jest and lighthearted fun. R.P.***It has been said So many times before. Sure, guns don’t kill people...If you distill the message It’s your political policies which surely will. ***Ahab was an evil kingAcquiescing to his wife’s perfidious perfidyLeading to an arbitrary death. More on this king thing and for the very mean queen another time I’ll have been keen. ***Jezebel, Jezebel!Why such fascination with this name of Ahab’s wife?Did you help bibles to sell?Smell a dollar here a false snake-oil prophecy there. You didn’t care. Shameless, impudent, morally unrestrained says a dictionary. Sounds like a lot of peopleHiggs-boson participles- responsable for all physical forces. Of course Jezebel, like everyone else had a lot of bosons in our bodyBuilding Bewildering worse for me Word salad Was she a fictive, fictional, fiduciary femme fatale in a typically tall moral tale?*** Jezebel is on my mind. Not Georgia Who was attractive, probably gorgeous when younger but it was my nervous, defensive intractable learning disabilities which as so oft messed things up. I had no romantic intentions toward her but I get bolloxed up with the sexual and the angry. Primitives Freudian An endlessly peeling, revealing onionTill death do us part. For the most partpowers my art. ***According to a word-defining, example giving web site:“Jezebel is a professor in astrophysics.”I misunderstood thinking: it’s good that this biblical name has been updated past mainframes, minis, micros, Macs to mean “ a professor in astrophysics.”***My brain works in funny ways. Many days I misunderstand What to a child is simple, obvious.Many things I could not learn. With more meds a better living I can earn. ***To laugh at myself would have offend fewer folks, burned fewer bridgesBeen understanding, tolerant of the religious Righteous and wrong. Wow. That took an unexpected turn Back to the tipping point when I had enough of that job. They did me a favor. I still hurt and smart. But it’s unquestionably good for them and for me that from their footsteps did I depart. ****Why has it felt necessary to burn bridges?A clean slate I crave To no longer to the past be a sacrificial slave. ***It is said I’ve spent so much of my life marginally delusional. The toast didn’t burn so I earned a bad name Whereas with humility I might have -Wait stop. This roundabout path was the only one I could have takenAbout this I’m not mistaken. And it has garnered me good wife and son. Loving sister, good friends and hobbies fun. It’s just still so painful how offensive and less successful I’ve been. “Been.”Past tense. Presently I’m less tense. ***I’ve written thusly, heretofore on this theme before:I trust its thrust is a must for more wisdom hidden Hiding, riding on this track having truck with any luck to an astute store of self-knowledge not learned in college. Wordplay gotten off my chest It’s best to get to the point before audience goes to drink a pint. Pointing to Denzil’s, Daniel’s or Jezebel’s denial Or the universal trials of the dance avoidanceRefusing, refraining traveling to Miami, Main, Spanish Harlem or Spain. Ugh. Enough already with this heady stuff. Calling my bluff?Hold steady.Spit it out in English plain. Must be meaningful If if have so much trouble saying what’s on my mind. Less blind I find I’m obsessed Compulsively repressed. Slightly depressedAnd?The going back and forth between The political and my sticky stuck-nessDoes lighten my mood. Ok. So that’s good. ***Going home to compose is as satisfying as going for a beer or worseSo why spend the money When I can save it for wife and sonny?***I go back and forthBetween political angst And the personal. Each is a vacation from the other. Oh brother. What a limited life intellectual. So how can I become increasingly effectual?So here I am. Not there, not drinking beer in SiamWith Thai cats paying for baths in bahts Yes, I do give a damn. Sat saying“I don’t give a damn,”Or something similar was the First limit testing in a movie Decades ago at a widely watched picture show. Now go Rather return to hereThe best returns are in the present moment. Momentum is key To be here not anywhere Else with Elsie and her beaux Elija. Was his cousin Elliot Ness who helped bring down Al Capone’smurderous mess?Can Adam Bennett Schiff with a lift from Pelosi and Schumer, good old boomers lead us out of this leaden presidential period?Where I sit having a microscopic fitOf pique in the presence of addictive pleasures to seek. ****Sometimes you have to stopExercising, cleaning, preparing Studying, writing (as religiously delightful as my self-imprisonments are a spate of spiteful bad base, debased news from Spuyten duyvil)Get out of the house. Ego dystonic as it isIt’s the least histrionic tonic For this whiz into the day With and without all its nutzo misgivingsIs more loving living Not requiring forgiving. That’s what it’s all about. Thanks, Beth for this breath of air fresh. ***While waiting for Beth at the elevator I created a short, little poem for her. ***I came up with a new way to trade. Oh come off this high horse charade. AlrightThe other night I adapted value- line. That’s fineOn the commission-free platform UnderperformingBut little risk Before I save it to disk I’ll see if it scales or falls short going into the garbage pail. ***As an incentive Take two digestive enzymesAlso a preventative. ****Here’s the poem from my debut Where audience members were few. ***What caused today’s round of depression?I was ok at yesterday’s session. Was it tequilita and coffee with dinner? Not a meal to make me thinner. Like Red Bull Mull that over easy Yes, I felt queasy. I started to feel it with compulsive composing Uptight, inflexible with Jesse. My trading is messy. Sloppy. Not very profitable But no damage done. I need a healthier way to have fun. Thursday, November 21, 2019The rant of my aunt Was passiveLess massive than mon oncle La plûmes de ma tante Tainted and haunted along with My own folks foibles. ****She said I write like a good high school student. Is it prudent to invest so much time, energy and still not make a dent into the world at large?Asked sarge as he barged into a breathtaking brainstorm worthy of a noteworthy composer named Serge. ***Not one laugh in the house. Did my poem make sense To them; Ahem! Were they fans of dumpf and Pence?My delivery was too quick and tense. Should rehearse, learn to be terse. ***No question I’m sort of addictive. Luckily, it’s mostly with my prose fictive. ****A prose by any other name Doth not you give Shakespeare’s fame. ***Mired in endless doggerelI’m a mutt and a mongreldamn dog-eared tired. ***He said, “I see your savings amount.”Didn’t tell him, “that’s just one of my accounts.”For a guy who buys and sells all dayWho earlier in life never earned that much I’ve traded up to a comfortable life Should have been in finance getting an edge hedging funds. Oh, that’s what I’m doing. Doing fine on the markets’ ups and downs. Slow down. Be mindful. Be responsible, loving. Above all be not overly daringBe caring, compassionate with all and everyone. Start at home even when alone. ***This endlessly, effortlessly effluent affluence of words is nuts. It’s crazy. It’s lazy localized funIn a nauseating fun house Can’t stoop to stop Flipping my flop away from the madhouse door stop. Shirtsleeved shortstops Pulling out all the stopping stops Organically Keeping me out of self-hating Unhelpful comparison rantings and ratings. Saving me from going mad vengefully raving. This lets off steam so later I’ll peacefully dream. Seems more meds are what’s needed to stop bleeding thought for achieving naught. Am I getting worse drinking myself to an early hearse?Happy pills will calm my overactive brain So I can stop, sleep and minimize pain. *****In some ways My OCD Is getting worse. On the other hand It may earn a penny for my family’s purse. ****How do you warm up an audience in this space?With a space heater?Make ‘em laugh wearing a clownish space suit?Throw in a joyous joke to boot?Boot up my act with a little Xanax?Some wine ere I dine?Not too much Ah give them a drink or two, too. On the house. Sure to be a crowd pleasingly Appeasing anodyne.Sounds fine. ***Could be the coffee. Could be the booze. Can’t sleep a wink. Stinks.Need to snooze. So why choose To do this once a week?It’s escape i seek. Wednesday, November 20, 2019Sondland, through truth, signaled sound American sagacity. Sounding not Scottish, Harry Potterish nor Turkish,He punished Pence and Pompeo roundly. quite soundly putting them squarely under the rounded wheels of the proverbial bus. No big deal for usSaid Republican double-talking, preemptively, protectively fencing around Pence’s assistant, mincing with their twisting reality into comic-book absurdity what communist communities and other authoritarian regimes scream out to decency. According to BloombergUrge a different wording: Serving truth, presidential workers may have accomplished feats Herculean under oath not under influence of vermouth martinis nor like pres. POTUS himself who peddles grotesquely greedily his influence promoting his hotels and for all we know his brothers’ brothels- no those were owned by his grandpa. The wormlike, wormy apple fell not far from his treasonous tree. So be it He may have had Jeffrey murdered. Not on fifth avenue. You can be sure he’ll claim the executive privilege line taking The Fifth for the five hundred fifty fifth timeFor this and all his innumerable crimesHe’ll decline to reveal Appealing to the courts appellate and supreme which he packed with relaxed legal-Well who knows. Maybe they’ll show some spunk Protecting not that lunk butGet us out of his constitutional funk. ****Innumerable are this character’s character flaws and crimes. He and his vile pedophile purps may no longer usurp unconstitutional power as he throws his trusted stooges under the wheels of an onslaught of facts real not alternative. ****I’m dying for an audience. Audiences would be great. But only if I were a rock starBy far the best In all eternity’s bursting, braying heinous nest. Ken is not men from Kentucky. What?! Am I crazy, lazy or just justly or unjustly lucky?****My poor, dear sister, Amy Is not much more free than me. I’d like her knees to heal prontoSo she can get back to the dance floor Some more for sure. A facile rhyme from time to time is no high crime nor misdemeanor unlike our present  prurient Pres. who always says “Not my fault. Not my prob. I’m the victim. Him?I’m. No. Slob. This is nothing but an inside con nut job. I’m great. I’m wise. I’m the guy you white guys prize over any rational national risky dialog. Hey, I’m just a cog in the white nationalist blizzard and fog. Whether I believe in that snap judgement is irrelevant. I just use it to profit as all hell goes hellbent. Not that I care if the world goes to pot before or after we put tariffs on everything including levies on Lent. Let ‘me all rot. As long as I get by the hot minute by minute  at least richer minutely, preferably a lot more at the express expense of pathetic poor snd that overly quaffed homophobic hemispheric hermaphrodite lite with little sense, VP Pence. What do I care? They didn’t vote or contribute to my mob campaign. Those liberals could be from Maine.The idiot on Maine Street is meet for my basest base’s red meat being ripped off by my ringed rounds of cronies. I’m no phony, except when I lie tweeting on my cell phone even if I occasionally lie on my phone I’m prone to the great lie as the propaganda panda of Adam, Eve and Amanda. The richer I get the more I pander to fears and hate letting the viral vermin germinate. I don’t care what I crest and create as long as I get plenty of dates with hookers and wives of diplomats, even a lesbian trio of virgin Virgo Viking Brunhildes. Build a case, complicit with my illicit grind and gains here, there and everywhere firmly and foremost in the former Soviet Bloc, I’d knock ‘em up and not get caught for naught of what I’ve wrought on this rotten nation which I’d happily hand-deliver to Putin for a couple of fivers, political favors of assorted golden flavors. I put my stock in trade with my broker right before each time I move the markets and made a fortune with stocks, bonds, gold and ripping off the Treasury A pleasure for me. I’ll savor the moment before my inevitable fall into disgrace in prison, losing all the loot I’ve lasciviously, licentiously stolen from any and all appalling?Galling my enemies?It’s doable. It’s debatable. It’s durable, inevitable- even if I don’t understood those words- who gives a whizzzy whit whether my Ladybird would be fit to have a fit about my inane policies. I wing off the cuff as I bluff everyone from bankers to troubled bonkers republican brokers, happily twisting them in knots to validate my insanity. Sean Hannity leafs through conspiracy theory like a speed-reading charger on a white steed. Sure he helps accomplish my insatiable greed heeding racist tropes, amplifying lunacy to formerly latent white whores. I’m sure some are sexy, like the new babe I recruited. That likable, lying lawyer chic from Florida, Pam is a ham like me- that is Uncle Sam I am. Damn I’m having fun and had a good time too befuddling the masses as I amassed greased palms fraudulently financed familial kleptomaniac subtlety- until unmasked anti-Robin-hood task quasi royalty.  Thankfully I’m great and grand. I grab what I can and that’s a lot...Lest you forgot. ****But the great and glorious dumpf does not have a sister or wife or son as loving as I am a lucky bum to be ever grateful, less harmful, less hateful, more gentle, thoughtful, insightful, self-controlled and loving and good and helpful to all too. It’s true- a touch true- a touch of humility later in life. So said the ghost of white Christmas future betting I’ll win on the option chains and futures and all that accrues to POTUS’s smoking, JUUL-acquiescing gun. ***Better Business Bureaus buy bountiful time as cover for scheduled schemes clever. ***Drink as a drunk on word salad. A palette of moon-monkeys minimizing memories of moon-drunk Schoenbergian A la Bergmanian boreales Wearing veils, talismán and Tallis  Amongst these crazed words is a kernel of truth masked in fallacious fallacy. Do I have a touch of the schizophrenic?Or am I just letting loose as I goose my uptight caboose rearing it’s ugly head in my bed of thorns having become accustomed to what Odin, Cicero and Cato have bottomed and borne as NATO and our security suffer and shiver under the dumpf’s quivering malevolent misdemeanors which are high crimes to which republicans pretend to be blind. For Ira, not least because he laughs at my poems’ jokes. Would Vincent have continued to paint had it not been for Theo?My credo: commit to the free over and over that which is unnatural and within even in the face of fortuitous, frankly fortunate fiascos showing what the path is not. ****Not every week Do I seek my weekly opium den. When and where instead of smoking a bong In a Hong Kong riotous riot impossibleSituation. Some vacuous vacation. What would be an ideal, optimum outcome?Sometimes it’s true A bit of booze does losen the creative pen. In my not really opium denI fend for myself making money in retirement I’ve a bevy of bents- perhaps Pergolesi would profess talents- for hobbies I’ve lent Sense and sensibilityFor my word-smithing abilities I’m drunker than sixteen hunkered down skinks slithering to rendezvous with skinny-dipping skunks among a forest of forensic fallacy-prone probate prisoner monks pining over probable prostate periodic poise and grace Chantillís lace sang Elvis of our male addiction to the female out of place it’s not the person we want to love though happily sometimes we love the once we’re wifey width through thick and thinners’ thin as we begin in Norwalk not Beijing nor straining in the straits of summertime scandalous sagas Scandinavian navies blue. True?Nu?What did they ever do to you?***I let Danny’s bad mood Sour my attempts at the good. ****I want to be more self-respecting. Till I can do that The past, I’m continually resurrecting. ****A dopamine fastWouldn’t last. Not the pointDon’t smoke a joint. Do it for a day. Then it’s past. ****Not one person laughed. Jesse said at least I wasn’t heckled. The band started before I finished. Should have played a Heckel To announce the buffoonery.Monday, November 18, 2019Why did and does DannyThough often loving Sometimes give me the cold shoulder?Is it my beard?That I’m not in the world bolder Even as I grow older?My immaturity?His fears he is like me and will never get better?My love for him and my regrets Are insufficient to make up for Damage I’ve done. So me he shunsSometimes He holds me responsible for his challenges. No surprise. Kids need to separate from their parents. Though he’s closer with Beth. She is the better parentBetter person and role model. Be glad he has her. ***Maybe I’m fine With being done with rhyme. Sunday, November 17, 2019What I’m trying to get at is the Old expression:Show me who your friends are and I’ll show you the guy you are. There’s a disconnect to use Bill’s turn of phrase. If I’m surrounded by wonderful, successful people could I be wonderful and successful too?Or am I just a paranoid parasite?We’ll maybe somewhere in-between. What about all the people who disliked me At that job, women I’ve made uncomfortable, countless others. And some I helped. All those upsAll the many downsThat was then. This is now. ***So how do I court Beth?Is the ball in my court?****I’ve got good friends A successful wifeA gifted, brilliant son Money in the bank Hobbies galore Good health What I lack I may never get. Can I be satisfied with the riches life has bestowed on me?That’s not funny and it doesn’t illiterate or rhyme. ****Not a single - or dingo, wild with a sandy coat to mingle among other doggerel- rhyme. ****I write burlesque in doggerel style. Don’t by dint of dirty flirts give my hundreds of poems under denial. ****“intended to cause laughter by caricaturing the manner or spirit of serious works, or by ludicrous treatment of their subjects”Comic effects. Are those the clothes and belongings of clowns?