Make it stand out.

Monday, April 27, 2020

I have told Hernandez I want to be a leader He helps my confidence Throws my issues back at me to solve. 

Why don’t I go to sleep?I like this time alone. Home in the quarantine night quiet 🤫 One a.m. a full, productive day ExerciseMeditation🧘‍♀️ Lots of meds 

Still can’t get to bed. 

****Hernandez didn’t address my questioning myself about why I poison myself with sugar. I said I may be trying to kill myself slowly, unobtrusively P/A against myself. It feels like I owe myself this punishment because of all the lousy stuff I have done. Others have done worse. Some have not one regret.  I bet some do and it drives them to do more uncontrollable acts 

Some even deny basic Easily checkable facts. 

Saturday, April 25, 2020He needed me to be a star ⭐️ So his ego could be up to par. I needed to be every bit the dithering idiot To get rid of his anger at mom. She was nervous. I didn’t understand mom. I did understand that dad would not allow any anger Except his. So rotated Star Scapegoat Scapegoat Star Far be it for me to have recovered Sooner Star Twirling star Dizzy 😵 Fuzzy Vague Distracted Disconnected Affected Moreover I rotated faster than Grover Could have turned Big BirdInto supernova or a black hole 🕳 Such as my heart. ****What made Beth sweeter tonight?Zoloft plus a ❤️ lovely love story. Yet I found a way to push her away. P/A?Preemptive rejectionMy insulin injection not excessive this time. Insight in the moment self control almost effortless Bless for less A discount 🏪 sale 🧂 No wine 🍷 nor ale nor needOf sugar harm prevented indeed. ****Was it Patrick’s nightmareWhich threw me backInto attacks against my progress to date?Was it Bonnie not falling all over me My ego ready to go to tantrum When not the center of attention. Did I ever mention My addictionsMy need of confections?****On Saturday I was bummed out for half the day. A throwback frustration dream teaching then being the student 👨‍🎓 who couldn’t figure out where to go with too many classes on my program card especially hard since I was an adult unable to find the phone extension of my guidance councilor All the many directories were for IS 145More good memories from there stay alive I remember the others too but are Overtaken by the good. The opposite with memories from the better neighborhood. *****I broke the therapeutic frame. A semi-conscious game. I explain my feeling disappointed ☹️ When Ira declined to prove Patrick’s dream asking me if I had a question. But I said I would defer to him. He punted off to saying it would be in a private session. My lesson is don’t put pressure on folks. Not even with praise or jokes. *****Maybe I’m trying to kill myselfIn a subtle sort of way. Oh it was the diabetes. Oh it was that he couldn’t get along with people or hold a job. Oh it was the heart attack after he couldn’t stop eating and drinking. Oh it was his intolerable intrusive thoughts. Oh it was the lack of compassion. The defensive son Defensive no longer Finally Cries on the shoulder of the older. Wednesday. April 22, 2020A pleaPlease consider carefully TestTrace Treat An easily accomplished featAlmost as easy as winning a trade war Before China 🇨🇳 got sick 🤒 and bore The brunt of trump’s ire W.H.O. knew Breaking Bad for T. who hadBeen set free to dismantle America Cause he got a little help from his friends in the Kremlin Which installed the base gremlin into power to Tested an found immune to the rule of law Traced back to 🇷🇺 Mother RussiaTreated as a king 🤴 Isolated the base from any contact with truth Injected disinfectant into our heart 💜 and soul making America greatly at risk of both a horse 🐎 sized duck and an army of 🦆 duck sized horses 🐎 Playing with BG To the degree As if there were no consequences. My defensive defenses Are representative of self-sabotage To prevent myself from going out in the world 🌎 to encounter more painful humiliations. So I stay locked in my gilded station Becoming more crowded with Beth and Danny’s stuff by the day. So I escape to play in cyberspace A day-trader’s dream Nice and clean. Ups and down Clear metrics with no one but me to blame. Yet something has changed. In group, with Beth with Svetlana the nurse educator, most of all with myself That defensive fog starts to lift. I want to go to sleep earlier with the security that BG will be stable enough to get to and stay asleep. Highs and lows during the day are less problematic. The lows are a little more annoying than the highs. No longer do these affect my ego. So I go forth to a new day wanting to prepare for a good night’s sleep 😴 until 23 or so from now. I can meditate on this. A work un progressA tipping point may be near. Steer clear of grandiose goals. Better sleep 💤 would be a miracleFor which I am already grateful as though it has been already achieved. ****The green 🥬 strap Releases spasms at a tug and a tap.  You don’t even need the App. So enjoy 😉 and clap. Tuesday, April 21, 2020I want to be the teacher 👨‍🏫 The master The maestro. The leader with a free disposition To position each in the orchestration Sounding without filtrationNor unnecessary ornamentation Gestation sufficient to gently SomewhatSomewhere Somehow toSimply allow. ****

Saturday, April 18, 2020

BethBeautiful Beth Smiling BethSmart Beth Three. Competent Beth

Helpful BethGreat mom Beth. Three more. I could go on for more

Than four score 

Pages orYears more My dear Beth My beloved wife It would take

Another sixty four.

Sunday, April 19, 2020Dear Friends,When there is too much feeling to speak Sing  🎤 So I bring poetry to do this very thing. My dear, dear friends with whom I have hitherto-fore enjoyed a score of heart ❤️ warming comforting moments from sharing our pain to letting go in hearty laughter I gained so much. So why do Ichoose to end being in touch?Perhaps you will be angry 😠 feel I betrayI wish this feeling I could allayMake it magically go away. But if I stay at this pointNot wanting my nose to get out of joint To that point I’ll return After setting the stage...After many decades of therapies and you knowA bunch of other stuff It feels like enough For now at least. I have to face my internal beast. I have to go the next leg 🦵 of the journey on foot 🦶 It will surely not be easy To please me.  Surely not great, bueno, bene, très bien Or even GutBut on foot Through my 🌵 desert 🐪 One ☝️ hump or two 🐫 I seek to get through the bumps Out of the valleys of depressionsTaking my lumps. But why so suddenly with such a heavy sense of loss?I’ve i come to a fork 🍴 In the roadAnd I must take it. Highways 🛣 And byways familiar For months I have tried to work out 🏋️‍♀️ My authority issues. I see the writing on the wall. In previous groups it went well until this same juncture was reached. Unlike Humpy Dumpf DeeAnd his well-renowned wallNot wanting that great, huge fall Not wanting to breach or break What took so much care to make I take my leave with fond memories and the warmest wishes for everyone to be Free Free of suffering Free of pain Free to live life- in the main- with confidence Happy 😊 Enjoying the joy of countless ordinary miracles physical and spiritual Rituals of gratitude Grateful for the process Grateful for what we learn from life’s inevitable mess. I confess I do digress. Best To let Gratitude help us live life with energy with flow, And so we grow Glowing with ease helping each otherif you please. I might have come back to groupBut Ira says group is not something you can into and out of swoop. Right now there are just too many voices in my head Even with meds. Friends’, family’s, group members’, Ira’sThe far leftAnd By far The far, far right lunatic fringe on which I binge So rather than cringe 😬Giving power needlessly in this hour My life can hingeon more solid ground From there I can build a bridge. So rather than give in to anger, rage and ireI’ll retire to my cell. In a short time all will be wellEnough for me to tellWhich end is up. So thank you 🙏 my dear friends. I wish I could know you in other circumstances in more secular life dances. So my dear friends ❤️Who lessened my pain Helping confidence re-emerge I urge us all For we are all alternately great 👍 and in our own cognitively distorted fall from grace too painfully very small Let us hasten apace In and out of a safe place Whether it is in or out of fashion To practice more Ever moreReassuring Kind Gentle especially when we are being with ourselves somewhat irrational Let us create and fashion Warm Loving 🥰 self-compassion.  ***Saturday, April 18, 2020I feel a sense of loss. Ira and the group were my main social contacts. I choose to end these therapies I need a friend A circle ⭕️ of friends A group. I need people who are more secure More successful a little less introspective to help relax 😎 Maybe a few Chinese, a few Muslims a Jew, some Russians, a Tan, a Brown and a Black. That’s why I emailed Alex Z, Alex M but I haven’t heard back. Friday, April 17, 2020Ira encourages us to say how we feel about what is going on in the room. When Deb saidYou have so much support in your life And here you come for more support.It felt like she was telling me to get the hell out...Ouch. When Deb said it seems like everything I say offends Ken I felt attacked. When Deb said In a tone not the nicest to hear I already said that I thanked Lisa for empathizing with my hurt. When Denise said everyone likes to work with her Four people wrote her glowing references I felt Denise was being defensive. 

When Denise repeatedly told us how she learned from her mother that men are the weaker sex

You guys are so stupid. It felt like I was the only one to take it personally. When Denise said at a later date “present company excluded” I felt she was putting the onus on us to have read her mind about that clause Because as for her telepathy working It certainly didn’t. When Deb said the guy she’s with - another younger man - doesn’t understand when she says later it means 15 minutes. Other words have specific numerical values To her. She said it’s generational. I certainly would not know her code. Sherry came to her defense. I felt double-teamed. I feel Denise intimidates I feel Denise is warm, caring and in denial. Of exactly what I feel it has to do with somethings in her early childhood I feel out of my depth here. When Denise said she is angry at Beth I felt supported and hurt. When Denise said Ken has changed, improved, blossomed in group following up with her telling me curtly not to interrupt or don’t this, stop 🛑 that I felt whiplashed. When the group wanted to correct my saying I felt that she was being castrating I felt I didn’t need to be edited. That is how I felt. 

Wednesday, April 15, 2020

Who but he Could deny funding to W.H.O.? He’ll show who’s boss  This great albatross who doth gloss 💄 Over fact flying into harm’s way With a 25 billion dollar bailout of the airline industry Certainly more key 🔑 to world health Than the half a billion needed by the World Health Organization. It was their fault. It was the Dems. It was the fake news media. It was the men and women he fired after praising and hiring. It was the fault of cruise 🚢 lines who He is now bailing out ballast While his lackeys won’t allow absentee ballots so voters have to choose between their lives and casting ballots. His administration stinks 😷 more than a skunk 🦨 rummaging through rotten onions and shallots. If you were to read these daily misdeeds you wouldn’t believe it even in the Onion. That is just the opinion of one  ☝️ Making a little lightweight fun. ***At this stage If not a teacher 👨‍🏫 or a preacher Or a Jewish Buddha I shoulda Find my own Gouda Cheese Please My own best self largely Put in charge But first Quench his thirst Then dust him off From hiding so long on that darkened inner prison shelf. ***My dear sweet beloved beautiful Beth May you be free of suffering May you live life with ease May you be healthy May you happy And May you get a good night’s sleep. Tuesday, April 14, 2020Shauntel was clearNo interest in show’ n tellA performance as well I owned up. It is both a performance opportunity- GeeI prefaced by saying I’m dying for an audience- wanting to express with writing what is more difficult to say spontaneously. I said if I were to share poetry I’d like to hear everyone else’s writing.Inviting what Might be insightful Might be  biting. Exciting One third less frightening. But too much pressure perhaps. Shauntel raised that good concern. Concern and Compassion Emerge more as each other’s trust we earn. Which brings up Ira’s comment that our group is too polite. Personally, I prefer polite on nights when possible. Michael amenable to acknowledging the difficulty of expressing oneself spontaneously without the pre-written, confessing I concur continuing to be a reason we’re in group. Soup to nuts 🥜 It drives me nuts, no ifs and it buts But Ira couldn’t help but give me a couple of barbs Harping and rehashing needlessly what I had already accomplished. Why did he have to provoke me again, then asking whether anyone preferred the more subdued Ken, adding it was a rhetorical question. I said “subdued” is not the right word, In fact it is most irritatingly absurd. A little blue jay bird 🦅 Whispered in mine ear Speak simply, let go of fear. So I said. I am being self-controlled. Shauntel brought up that last week I said I couldn’t control my interrupting- I said true when I am in a defensive, unconscious state. I think she asked how I took control. I prepared I said starting yesterday with a plan to correct what led to last Friday’s vulnerability to camel 🐫 and the straw syndrome. I stopped work at 4:30, did a few things to relax and center myself. It was not necessary to go into details. The details did present to my mind but those better angels did edit. A better choice did I make. Ira also brought up our texting. I felt that was a betrayal of confidence. It also felt disingenuous because he said he received poems through text.I have sent a few, mostly I have read during sessions. He added that it not only breaks the therapeutic frame but is inappropriate in the main To gain insightdiscussion of other group members. Is Ira unaware that he often brings up other of his patients?Beth maybe right. I need group I need peopleI stumble We get stronger then once again crumble. We learn from reality checks Michael models the more mature.I wish and encourage him to own his own achievements Honor his substantial gifts. I like the people and not individual therapy which now feels like an indulgent, counterproductive thing to continue to do. I feel he is indirectly expressing anger toward me. I do not need or want that. Of course it is good practice to confront this on this controlled situation. Lisa said she felt protective of me when Deb and Ira essentially told me to shut up. I felt cared for, thanking Lida for her empathy. Patrick said it was uncomfortable 🥵- to see me expressing more pain taking things out on Deb which had nothing to do with her. He said it was like seeing mom and dad fight- sad, unsettling-did he say frightening too?I care about Patrick.Having invited him to share Now he does dare. Am I aware Of the courage his courage in this affair?At this -or any issue don’t stare. Be careful of what you wish for Or be prepared to hear what you don’t want.Patrick said listening to poetry We won’t critique. When I speak my rhymes I’m no longer inclined to seek criticism or praiseJust to express what I feel these days. However as my stress level rose 🌹 So goes my equanimity out the window So grandma Rose instead of threatening to jump out Please keep that window closed. No no dose did I needI did feed myself chocolate 🍫 better advice I dud but heed. Heeding Patrick’s discomfort While getting into a tizzy Defensively misconstruing Looking to pick a fight that night Feeling accused, hurt, 😠 angry Wanting to lash out. But better angels led me to discusRather than making a fussLess bashing my head Hashing it out instead. Ira has encouraged me to talk about my dad, he’s reminded us that Deb reminds me of Beth, asked me if anything reminds me of Danny then criticizes me for bringing in Danny I feel whiplashed, splashed with ice cold seltzer again an infant whacked on the fanny. That said it was appreciated, not funny when Patrick called me on projecting on Deb. With good intent Ira came to my defense In effect ending the long suspense...Yes folks here it is. Step right up. See Dr. Oz, the Wizard 🧙‍♂️ himself Reveal the true The one and only Truth The meaning of life.Ha. No...Not really. But still pretty good. Ira through our more than half year meandering through the dessert in this time of Matzoh and Easter not getting passes over He reveals the meaning And this that doth group meanI keen to knowNo longer cow-towing Genuflecting subserviently bowing 🙇‍♀️ So without that cow-towing bowing Ira has revealed what we need to know:Group is largely about working through projections in a safe environment. Aha 😤 To show our true feelings Our true colors  will ultimately glow. I said I don’t want to hurt anyone and have been thinking about leaving group and/or reducing my individual therapy at least in part because of my self-harm  in reaction to Ira’s criticisms. Also because I don’t want this to wind up like my last group where my authority issues and the reactions I provoked from the therapist were so unpleasant. Michael invited me to bring Beth into my mediations. I 😬 tensed up Yup 👍 but being less of a reactive nut Thanks to Zoloft- did I mention Gabapentin? My porcupine quills Ira rephrased as claws 🦞 I feel I am threatening to him, to his authority, just as I feel happened with my last therapist Shauntel observed that quills are more defensive Having felt apprehensive of Ira’s offensive Shauntel helped me soften my porcupine quills. Though her words to use Lisa’s phrase were a balm saving me from being a puddle doing self-harm Hearing the  alarm Quills soften soothing friends thank you for comforting and de-escalating Which oh so discreetly and every so sweetly fit the bill. I will aim to do this at will.Thus filled with more openness Michael’s compassionate suggestionOrganically -thankfully not mechanically gentility Naturally found its way into meditation today.  My dearest Beth can I as Shauntel suggests invite you to tell me whatcha need whatcha want and hear it openly less defensively compassionately helping appropriately?