So what brings you in?

1/22/17

New Therapist: So what brings you in?

K: I think my central issue is that I give away power to other people. I have secondary issues of self-centeredness, perhaps narcissism. My wife and I have a sexless marriage. I am unable to control my type one diabetes. I am often angry. I am inconsistent at my job - teaching music. I want to be a professional musician but am not moving in that direction. I do not eat well or sleep enough. I do. Of The Forrest have enough relaxing entertainment- I like movies and light fiction but wait for my wife to arrange those.

Dr. So out of all these you feel giving away power is central.

K. Perhaps it is that I crave being loved because I feel bad about myself because of my father's inconsistency in doling out affection when I was young and my mother's coolness, self absorption, timidity and fear of my father.

Dr. So self awareness is. If your problem.

K. It is probably my biggest strength. Although I am often creative as well. Sometimes I also have a lot of energy and am a self starter.

Dr. So you have many strengths.

K yes and many weaknesses- as does everyone. I like my weakness overwhelm my strengths through various cognitive distractions which I justify against myself with evidence of all the people who are hostile to me. My expectations are off. I wander perhaps I have a little or more of ADHD.

Dr. You do jump around.

K. My precious two therapists said it was difficult to work with me because of that. The first with whom I worked for 27 years did. It feel medication was in my best interest though she and the second frequently said I misrepresented what they said. Others have told me I misunderstand as well. Not trusting my is. Mind and judgement is a big issue.

Dr. Are there times when you do trust your judgement?

K. Most of the time. Especially when I am alone. Which brings me back to how easily I am swayed and often invite abuse.

Dr. Have you worked with just noticing these events?

K. Yes to some extent. More often I am still angry with myself for allowing myself to be the victim. The thing I miss most about therapy was the initial rush of creative energy I experienced in the first months with Eric. ... and the sense of adventure, something new.

....

K. There's a story, a case study of a Harvard student who married a classmate. He dropped out. Over the course of their marriage he became less and less competent. She resented him but felt obligated to start married to him, that it was "God's burden for her to bear." Something like that. I have a much milder form of this codependency with Beth. Also I am less dependent than when we first met. Perhaps the analogy is completely off.

I have held a job for 16 years, I have become a better father. I was going to say except for today. But even today I was good after I was selfish.

I am burdened by Beth's being cold. It is at least in part due to my not being responsive to her. I should go to temple with her, buy theater tickets for us, I'll start by asking about the mindfulness stress reduction series she mentioned.

My first session with a new, new therapist.

Dr. Argento: what brings you in?

K: I am angry because I can't seem to use my energy to improve my health, my marriage or my career.

Dr. You seem to have some clarity about your situation.

K: actually my career is improving for the first time in years. I wonder if I keep my blood sugars unstable is to prevent myself from having more happiness or success than I think I deserve because I am continually comparing myself with my deceased father and project him onto other people.

Dr. What would happen if you were completely successful?

K I would feel obligated to do more to help the world.

Dr. Is there something wrong with that?

K I am too selfish to give my life to others. Yet I am sometimes happy when I help people. I think of things in an all or nothing way. I know this is a cognitive distortion. Perhaps I could move a little more towards helping other people. I'm looking forward to writing those cards tomorrow morning. I feel so speedy, as if I have so much stuff to get out of me, like a waterfall. Is it all those years of being blocked suddenly the dam bursts and the floodwaters rush forth? Sima, the therapist I saw for close to thirty years always commented on how speedy I am. Eric, the therapist I saw after Sima said it was difficult to help me because I flirted from one topic to another. I suspect I have a slight bit of hypomania. I also have some focus issues and am defensive about learning from other people. I am a help rejecting complainer. That's a mouthful. I like writing, improvising, drawing, exercising and day trading because they use my energy at the speed I generate it. Most of my life moves to slowly for me.

Dr. So you like using your full energy.

K good reflection. I am embarrassed that I said that. Did it come out as condescending? I am already preemptively rejecting you- and you don't even exit.

Dr. So are you saying you want to be more self-reliant?